NorthSwallow::HokuTsubameko (c) since 1999

Proposal and Engaged

2011-06-14T22:14:00.002+08:00

I know this is abit late but still, I want to write this down to be part of the records of my life. On Tuesday 7th June 2011, which is 1 year after getting attached, Ed proposed to me! haha, so yup, I said yes. Definitely. And he thinks so too! argh, no uncertainties! But still Ed said he was so worried that the things will not carry out properly that he had butterflies in his stomach and couldn't sleep on Sunday! Monday he had to rush and coordinate things before the proposal next day.

Awww, so sweet of him and so sweet of all my friends and my dear sis who have participated and helped one way or the other.

The account of events which had interestingly taken place since early Tues morning....

I did OT until I reached home at 5:30am..... (Ed, Yock and Sis had been preparing stuff together during Monday night when I was OTing!) Sis woke up and asked me, "Are you going to sleep?"

"Of cos!!" And my sis said nothing afterwards. Halfway I was sleeping, my phone vibrated at my bedside. Thinking what it could be, I picked it up and there was this message alert that read "You have downloaded an App. You can change your setting to Automatic Download so that you can sync without external device." Something like that. I was puzzled, who could have just downloaded an app using my account? Surely not at this unholy hour of 5 plus in the morning! Can't be Ed rite. Then I saw my phone connected to my house's wireless connection. Hmm, my sis using computer this early? But I didn't suspect her as she didn't have my password. That's what I thought. Aiya, I'm tired. Don't care lar! And so I went back to LalaLand.

Next morning Ed called to wake me up at 11:30am. Mum also came into my bedroom and asked why I took leave and where am I going today. I told her I don't know. Mum retorted, "But when I asked your sis, she said 'Don't tell you!~~"

"Huh, why did she answer like that. I don't even know myself where I am going later!" Mum paused and spoke again, "Oh, Ed came yesterday."

"Huh, no lar, he came on Sunday. Yesterday I was OTing! He didn't come la!~" Mum kept silence and walked away.

After I bathed, Ed already arrived and we hurried off to lunch at PS Cafe in Dempsey. Super nice relaxing place! Food is great except that our dessert, Ultimate Fudgy Brownie Cake, was so rich and so sweet that it was a big killer and we felt we could not eat any food or sweet stuff for the rest of the day. Afterwards we went to Marina Bay Sands (as I don't want to go swimming/gym today). Throughout the trip, he tried very hard to kill off my anticipation that he may be proposing today. And said that I need to choose diamond with him, so that he knows which ones I like so that he can buy thereafter. How disappointing. And further to that, he tried to convince me not to get the ring and contribute the money to the house or furniture. And so I really think through and said maybe can consider to buy me Cintiq graphic tablet! And he said that is possible and still cheaper than a diamond ring.... Near the end of walking around looking at diamond shops there, I finally commented that a 0.4 diamond is good enough. Too big is not good. Hahaha..... (At this moment, Ed was thinking 'Oh damn it! Should tell me earlier!! Ahhhhh!~~")

We went to visit ArtScience Museum, which was showcasing Salvador Dali's and Van Gogh's exhibitions. Not bad except that the Lotus pond is not very well maintained.... We hurried back to Marina Sq to help Mum change money to Ringgit. So it's time for dinner and we were still too "full". Ed suggested to go to Sogurt to have yogurt as dinner... I didn't suspect him for specifically choosing that place for yogurt. Marina Link has a few yogurt shops lor. Anyway, we went and played with ipad. He also suggested to go inside our JC school to exchange present. I can't believe I still didn't suspect anything because maybe he can be just choosing a meaningful place to exchange gifts during our 1st yr anniversary together. Halfway through he went to receive or make a call. He came back and asked me to give up in my ipad activities to proceed to our next destination, which is our JC school.

Upon entering, a security guard called out to us and Ed ran over to explain to her (that he is the guy going to propose and which he told me later that she replied very loudly "Oh! Soooo you are the guy PROPOSING!!!") By the time I walked up to them, she was telling Ed to call the rest of the people down to leave afterwards. I was still not giving a second thought about this. I was just puzzled that we outsiders still have to help her ensure the rest of the students to come down to leave.

Finally at the class bench, and I commented it was too dark to see anything clearly!! I was opening his gift when he opened a video on my ipad (which is a bdae gift from Ed ^^). I was puzzled at how the video got into the ipad. Then upon opening the present aka box, I saw my own ring. I was all the more puzzled at how he got my ring in there. And then the boards that said "Will you marry me?" and "June 7" came down, hung from strings, then our 2 angry birds soft toys came down too! And I am MORE puzzled how I didn't notice my yellow bird was missing at home and how did it ended up there. And then paper stars were thrown down and I thought it was water at first.... Oh oh oh all puzzled! And Ed ran to a big box and brought out a bouquet of 99 roses!! Woooww and I had to find the real ring in there. I panicked until Ed gave me a hint. It was kept in a rose ringbox which looked like a rose stalk!! hahaha Ed said it was obvious but I thought in times of panic like this, it was a good camouflage. He began to ask me the question and commenting that I should answer soon as he had been kneeling abit too long... Tsk!! So impatient! After "ya la ya la", I said, "yes, yes, YES!~" and after opening the box, I was shocked to see the ring with quite a big diamond and I actually exclaimed loudly "Ahhh, it's so big!"

Ed called the rest to come down. And I looked up at the balcony to see one bunch of my JC classmates! I was too jubilant and kept laughing and squatting to the floor. But unfortunately, we had to quickly bring down the boards and carry the bags, box etc to get out from the school as the security guards already threatened with the security alarm. Some left due to work early the next day. The rest of us went to Holland V to have supper, drinks and chit chat. This is when I "interrogate" them on how all these started and to find out my sis has been the "spy" and helped out a fair bit. I'm so touched!

It was a surreal happy ending. Currently the ring is sent for resizing. Abit loose. Hopefully it can be collected by end of this week or earlier.

Btw, both of us went back to clean up the place next day but most of the stars were gone though. The cleaner in the school is too hardworking.... or somebody else is hardworking to have cleared up earlier than us..... And managed to gave Ed his present on the second day too. Oh well~ what a memorable day and week! Get to walk around, eat, watch movie and exercising!!

Thanks dear!!

Crow Attack!!

2011-01-12T00:29:00.003+08:00

I actually wanted to start on my New Year Resolutions, about how I should really start learning how to cook some dishes and learn how to iron and sew basic things.... But I think there is more interesting thing to share with you guys.

What happened on last Thursday morning was that I was in Clementi, walking past a carpark. Suddenly, I felt tight clutches on my head. I was stunned for 1 or 2 seconds before I realised something was actually clawing on my head. Quickly I tried to grab the thing that was hurting me. Then it let go and flew away. Looking up, it was a big fat crow. YUCKS!!! I only made a "AH!" exclamation despite very astonished. I kept touching my head whether it had food or stuff on my head. There's nothing weird leh! I was puzzled... My hair was washed just that morning and it was still moist from the water. Thinking that the bird should very well understand now that I am a human, I continued to walk away.

However after a few steps, the crow CAME BACK AND ATTACKED ME FROM BEHIND AGAAIIIINNN!!!! This time I was truly freaked out and after shooing it away, I cupped the top of my head and ran away from the carpark screaming uncontrollably. I think this time it really caught the attention from other pedestrians across the street. I kept looking up to see where it flew to. Only to find that it flew and landed on one of the trees. There are no other crows in sight...... Hmpf!

Being too shaken from fright, I called up my sister and texted bf, telling them the blizzar incident. I felt I need to tell someone immediately else I would go mad. Sis said it might have recognised the wrong person for revenge while her colleague said probably it was trying to protect her nest which could be nearby. My colleagues were laughing after hearing this and teased that probably the crow mistook me for a big female crow and tried to mate with..... my head??!! What I thought when I got the first attack was that it mistook me for a tree stump to rest on..... But the second attack had proven not so. However I do agree my hair was pretty long and bushy when viewed from the back.... It can really mistook for some nest or really think I am a big bird....

Haiz puzzling and disgusting.... because you can never imagine how dirty their claws might be. Immediately after I reached the office, I smeared a handful of the hand sanitiser all over the top of my head.... Argh!!!

Mental Preparations

2011-01-03T22:35:00.004+08:00

It's been a while since I last post an entry. Apologies, alot of office project deadlines and competition deadlines to settle with all the way right up to Christmas. At least the good thing is that all the rushing work and competitions ended right before Christmas so that we can really enjoy the hols. However immediately after the submissions and right before Christmas, I got sick, very bad cold with sore throat, cough, flu and fever! All of them together at one shot. The worst hit since secondary or JC sch years. And I am still not 100% recovered at this moment... Nevertheless, I have enjoyed my Christmas with JC friends, and colleagues, and had a super wonderful memorable time with bf over the new year hols~ :)

Ok, now back to the topic on "Mental Preparations". As one grows older, there are many mental preparations to look out for and be aware of. There are more commitments and more expectations from you, regardless it is coming from friends, company, family or society. And one of the most common "mental preparations" talked about around people of our age now is Marriage. I did think about what it is expected to do when one is an adult and lives by oneself. But I didn't think much further about it then until recently when the word "mental preparation" was mentioned to me recently.

As I was washing my dishes after a late dinner just now, I was thinking that if I am independent or married, not only I will have to be washing dishes after every meals, I also need to know how to wash/clean up or maintain cleanliness and conditions of shoes, furniture, and even to learn how to iron properly. Some of you will know that I could not iron, or rather I am banned from ironing in the house and thus had developed a slight phobia on ironing....

But these are only the tip of an iceberg, or just the beginning. There are more important "mental preparations" to make if you want to get married. But then again, responsibilties aside, we should not forget to enjoy the whole process, and takes things more easily. It should bring happiness more than thinking about chores. For young couples to start thinking about marriage in Singapore, I guess the "mental preparations" that came up to my mind would constitute not only financial planning, but also how to bring close relationships between the parents of the two parties, close relationships with each other's parents, and getting to experience and understand what "family" is, and embracing everyone as the bigger family, and many more. It's really a whole new phase of life. Very enlightening, refreshing, challenging and yet sweet. :)

Sunday~~

2010-11-21T19:13:00.002+08:00

Ahhh peaceful sunday.... transferring and backing up my computer files.

And one happy thing to add is, I finally solved the problem of failure in installing my window updates for my laptop. It's a problem of nearly 1 year and recently I was too irritated by the accumulating long list of updates, long waiting for the starting up and shutting down that I actually emailed Microsoft support for help.

They are really really good!!! Though I had to try a few solutions suggested but in the second time they replied with another set of solutions which solved my problems!!!! Finally today I cleared all my outstanding updates!!! Genius! I love u!!! Cheers~~

I hope this will solve my problem permanently!! >.< *prays*

Peace

2010-11-20T22:47:00.004+08:00

It was a chain of rushing work.... From Extravaganza (Graphite) 2010 manga competition, followed by office work consisting of submissions and flying to Shanghai for presentation and back to Singapore to work on submissions again, finally this weekend I am able to sleep and rest abit at home.... But from next week onwards, it will be another chain of hell coming up. *cries* But I am still looking forward to xmas.... :) xmas bbq with frens and bf. yay~

Nanyang Contemporary Artist's Society has changed its name to Artist Society of Singapore. And we are trying to do more artworks to showcase on the web and next year's publication. So I am getting calls from LaoShi to chase me to produce artworks... >.< *cries again* no time! I will try I will try I will try!

Ok, so it seems I never get a chance to rest 100% yar..... lol. But I am still happy la.... Must remain happy-minded!

Oh btw, I got second again for the Graphite competition this year again. GRRR!

angry

2010-09-19T23:13:00.002+08:00

as I continue to work on the stuff.... i got sad.... and wanted to post my feelings on FB status... and I realised I cant even do that becos there are ppl that must never hear what I will be saying abt. so I tried to change privacy settings. And I realised "Posts by me" includes everything from photos and status etc.... THIS IS SAD. I cant separate status from the photos. Meaning, I cant even set privacy settings to my status to specific ppl....... ARGGGGGHHH. Now I am more angry than ever..... haiz.... ok la, not angry but very very frustrated and irritated... In the end, blogging here is still my only means of venting out my frustration.....

What am I exactly. Why am I doing this..... I have no mood to do work which I know they are just extra and/or shit work that so conveniently DUMPED on me. IDIOT. F it. I dun care whether I am mean ornot, but at the spur of this moment I want and I wish some junior or intern to take over this. But I am the most damn junior in there, it's so unfair. In terms of degrees and batch, my peers are doing other meaningful things than being bogged down by all these tiny pieces of crap work. ARGHH I want to vent out somewhere NOW.

Eventful weekend~

2010-09-19T20:54:00.004+08:00

Yup, recently many happening things, so it's pretty exciting but tiring~

Been playing with my new iphone,..... which began with all the transferring of files, converting and syncing.... thanks to bf, otherwise I think I won't know how to settle all these in one single night. Other than playing with the apps, I have an eventful weekend!

On Sat, we went to yock's new house to check out on the tiles and decide some colour schemes, followed by looking at some lights and then furniture. Both me and bf got pretty excited looking at them. Of cos I feel excited for Yock and her mum too~ Shopping for furniture is very inspiring~ (*erhem*, especially when money is not involved). After which we parted ways and both of us went to 'walk walk' elsewhere :) At night we joined some archi frens and caught an outdoor film outside National Museum. Guess wat is the film's name!! It's "Electrical Dreams"!! It's so so very relevant to us!! Our JC fav mass dance song! hahaha the show is very interesting and considered very impressive for that time.

Then come sunday when colleagues and I went to visit our Malay colleague's place to celebrate their Hari Raya. The food was good!! yummy.

Now I have to rush office work that has to be done by tonight. How sad.... Never get to work on my graphite this weekend but I'm still so happy to have such wonderful weekend - spending time and doing things tog with him.

Words can never describe the feeling of having someone there. Being loved and pampered in a way.

All the nonsenses and disturbances in life

2010-09-05T11:27:00.003+08:00

Recently my PC's HDD died on me.... so I have a new HDD, no softwares etc... have to install one by one. But the problem is... things that I really need like Photoshop etc, I dunno why but I cant get it install and work properly .....

It's damn irritating when so many thing to put back into the comp like the way it was and when there is no time for me to dilli-delli..... Due to the recent business trip and this crash, my work is greatly hindered.... I lost quite some sleep while trying to figure how to install this and that. And btw, my previous one is XP.... now I am using win7.... some things dun work the same k.

This is still not the end. Just yesterday I received notice to fly again on Monday.... Omg.... hahaha.... sian rite. tiring tiring..... I think I am an experienced luggage packer soon.... my packed toiletries etc are always 24 hrs ready to go. hahaha~

I hate the spammers to my blogs' comment section. argh, gave me false hopes of having readers commenting.... :p

Nevertheless, the time spent with friends and bf yesterday was nice. :) There are still many ppl to arrange to meet up... busy life eh~

PS: I overspent too much in HK trip........ really no savings for 2 months.....

A wonderful week and weekend

2010-08-01T18:24:00.003+08:00

My mum and sis had went out to West Coast Plaza for dinner while I was napping on the bed.... The weather is cold since last night. Dad, as usual, busy with his hobby. I woke up to find myself yearning to nibble on some snacks. But there weren't any around. So I ended up trying to concentrate drawing on my manga...... but got pretty stuck. So I went to make myself a cup of warm Yuzu tea~~ yup, bought it in this Korean supermart near my workplace. Even ed likes it. It's suppose to be good for colds and blocked nose.

Too tired to move around today but I had a great week and weekend. I had met up with ed's IC frens and colleagues, and yesterday we went to NDP preview~ haha it's great fun. I think I'll upload the photos in FB later. The funpack/bag is pretty~ and the experience is memorable. First time seeing it live as an audience. I remembered taking part in NDP performance twice but the first one I could not really remember much except flipping the picture cards, and for the 2nd one I only rehearsed a few times before having to give up halfway to go overseas for summer programme.

Oh, yk and his gf were there for the preview too! After a quick meetup with them, we went to esplanade for dinner and walked through the helix bridge. We were glad that the bridge is now leading into the marina bay sands and not a dead end anymore~ This shopping mall is HUGE, with interesting features inside... internal river and bridges with gondolas... Issit trying to be a mini Macau or as ed said, somewhere in Texas. There is huge acrylic bowl that is above the water feature right outside the mall. Everyone was trying to throw coins from above, hoping to get them fall through the hole in the centre and thus into the pool of water below. Haha~ It's interesting to watch ppl trying hard. And the timber terraced landscape outside is condusive to hang around too. Not bad, singapore. Not bad :)

All right..... Monday is coming, I am so reluctant..... And mum is grumbling at me now after I told her how my heart ached badly on Friday evening while I was working. Ok, I will do a check up soon...

Life

2010-07-19T21:36:00.001+08:00

Life is like a drama.

人生如戏，戏如人生。

I am starting to believe in things that I wouldn't have in the past.

Who am I to some ppl?

2010-07-11T00:43:00.003+08:00

I feel that I am giving misconceptions to some ppl... or rather different ppl only see certain facets of me. I am sure this happens to everyone....

To many frens and esp my guy frens, they may think I am very focused, career-minded and hence I may seem rather unapproachable... I had one guy fren telling me that I am such a friendly enjoyable fren to be with but somehow feels there is some kind of wall around me. Ok, I dun blame them. What they said are partly true. But priorities can change, and adapt... without losing the original goals and dreams in life. There are many other sides of me, maybe the girls know more about it.

But I am really quite surprised that the misconception can be so much of a concern for some ppl that they had made some serious judgement and decision to take some action. Is it that bad? haha...

Honestly, thanks for the concern but I think if there is any wrong or worrying issues that you think that is coming from my side, then maybe it'll be best to talk to me first? Your one sided judgement may be very upsetting for the other person who is listening. And I won't feel happy if anyone I love is disturbed. But we understood where the nice intention comes from la. It's the execution of it.

Nevertheless, thanks. But we are all good and firm. Everyone is still young at it. We may not be experienced, just like u and me, and others.... we have no rights to judge on one another. Hereby, I wish everyone will be happy.

back to SG

2010-07-01T10:50:00.002+08:00

Just touched down yesterday evening.... And then it was to get to Shaw to watch Twilight-Eclipse's premiere. It's a very nice epiosde compared to the previous 2. When I got home, I immediately flop on my sofa and when I woke up.... It's almost 10am.... yep, hence dropping a quick blog post now....

I didnt resume my alarms.... hence now I am late for work. but my leader said ok. She's damn nice but of cos I do not abuse her kindness. I would always try to come everyday unless time off is agreed beforehand.

Haiz, I wish the time spent last night can be extended much longer. The comfort and natural feel is really just there.... awww.

And oh yes, i heard some good news directly from our Mr. YK. I shall publicise for him here :) congrats! ahaha, shall look forward to ur "plans"! Sorry, for my side, we have not gone into those "plans" yet. Well, maybe cos you have the ingredients ready mah~. good for you :) jiayou~

And one last thing to feedback on some ppl's comments, I feel that 'incompatibility' or 'different' etc are words that are subjective. It depends on every individual to define. Just like what Shakespeare said "there is no right or wrong, but thinking makes it so." Nevertheless, would like to hear about ur views and reasons as to why you think it so. Outsiders may see something that Dang1 Ju2 Zhe3 may not. However, my stand is still this - There are so many ppl out there very Incredibly Incompatible but there are many others things that tie them together. These strings are their own private mutual feelings and knowledge for each other that they themselves will understand and share between themselves and others do not have to understand. :) Everyone will wish for everyone's support.

Updates

2010-06-13T12:30:00.003+08:00

Sorry jovie, I really tot no one is reading my blog anymore....

In fact, where did you get the impression that you are the few who don't know? In fact everyone don't know except yock (who only know the intention but not the outcome) and of cos myself at the later stage even so lor. So you are in fact not any worse than the rest!! Or rather, the same as the rest!

Aiyo..... anyway, it's really recent.... and supposedly meant to tell u guys yesterday lor.

Anyway, please understand that sometimes ppl prefer to have some exclusive time to spend among themselves and sort things out first..... yup...

Hmm I wish to change my blog's layout... but I think I won't have the time for now hahah~

:)

2010-06-09T01:57:00.004+08:00

There are many wonderful days to remember for.

And the day before yesterday is a day to remember. :)

Thank you.

I love the scent. Scent that defines.

Taiwan and more

2010-05-27T00:37:00.004+08:00

Sorry for the long MIA.... I went Taiwan for 10 days, and immediately followed by rushing of presentation for a china project..... and while I am still doing my local A&A project, I am still at the china presentation.... yes, the client changed his criterias and so another round of presentation needed.

Hence, very sorry for not uploading the photos yet.... :( Next week I would not be in Sg again..... haha... It's quite funny becos shortly after I returned from Taiwan, my Mum and Sis went to Japan. So this is my first time being pretty alone in the house. Oh, my Dad always sleep alot at night, so I seldom get to talk to him too..... . Anyway both of them coming back this Fri. And then 2 days after that I will be flying off to China on Mon!! OMG...... We are taking turns.... like playing hide and seek manz.

I can't believe that Thurs is already here! The weekends were like just yesterday!! During the weekends I have attended 2 weddings. Sat's was Angie's while Sun's was Weiliang's. Seriously, ever since last last year, it's like one wedding after another. scary in a way..... Nevertheless, it never fails to make me feel touched each time the couples show their photos, and when they make their heartfelt speeches. Good for them. It's the another phase of life.

Sometimes in life, we make alot of roundabouts (I think I mentioned before) to search for our souls, our hearts and our minds. To know who we are, what we want, and how to go about doing things. At the end of the day, when you ever get to turn and landed back at the same spot you have stood on years ago, it means something. Though now you may see from the same spot under your feet but you begin to see a whole new landscape now - You are a different you now. And treasure the things you know you want to hold on dearly to.

Yay~

2010-04-29T00:01:00.003+08:00

Yay! I got my new specs and contact lens. I love my specs despite it is a few times heavier than my previous titanium specs.... give and take lor~

Another Yay to me for not OTing too late this week. I hope life will continue this way for a longer period of time!! *cross fingers*

A third Yay to me for feeling more positive again after some things happening around the office. I believe things will be getting better and better with the right mindset.

A fourth Yay for having my computer back from dead. 3 days ago, I tot my LCD went down and later next day the CPU failed to boot which may mean my comp is the one that is down instead of the monitor. By the time I get to the repair shop yesterday, it is alive again. So I disassembled and assembled again with my original cords and stuff when I got home and it works fine!! Hmm.... it's playing trick with me eh~ I hope it was just something loose at that time. I dun wish my comp to die.... it will be all troublesome and money money issues.

A 5th Yay for discovering just 2 nights ago that the live online radio streaming is back!!!!! YAAAAAAYYYY~~~ Awww so happy!!! Now I have happier late nights when I work.... wait, I shouldn't say late nights. Anyway I hope office computer allows me to play this streaming radio. You know, the office's firewall and IT admin's set of searh and url blocks are too power and prevented many things, which sometimes created unnecessary blockage on useful stuff.

Lalala~

Randomness

2010-04-24T22:30:00.002+08:00

Before I say anything, I want to complain!! Why are there so many chinese spams on my posts' comments!!?? I am going to delete them one by one later.

Finally this week I managed to reverse back my bio clock to the normal one... not very normal yet but still i managed to sleep between 1-3am, and waking up at 7am by the first alarm and reaching office right on time. This feeling is so good.

I have been trying not to look too much at this month's expenses.... I've overspent alot alot.... but was happy with the products.... Hope to get them soon... hehe. i will try to save up again from the end of May onwards.

I am starting to read more blogs of my frens'. Didnt know so much could have happen within the many months when I was not active in blogging. I think changes are the only constant in life. To people around me and things in office.... hmm.... some for good some for worse, but I believe all are in the state of mind. I remembered a quote by Shakespeare used in a FF13 trailer: "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." So I hope we should remain positive, accept the change and believe in urself that you will be in control of the outcome.

I wanted to comfort some fren of mine who has been feeling depressed alot since years ago and now things have been going far more than we had known. I was speechless and yet wanted to comfort my fren but I know saying things like "You will be fine" is a total piece of crap. Becos I had an experience when I was in a particular bad situation, many many MANY people keep saying "oh, you will be fine, you will be ok, things will work out fine for you..." I think all these are very Fu1 Yan3. I know they are also trying to comfort but are just equally helpless and speechless. The only thing to encourage is just this... I know I can't expect much too. But there are also many people saying that to end the conversation in a nice way, or saying "too bad, I cant help you" in a nice way. Somehow I felt angry after hearing these same words over and over again. For people who are desperate then, what they want are not such words but the sincerity to provide physically help. You can't blame the desperate people who feels the shallowness of this words to them at that kind of desperate time.

So I would not say such words to people again, if is not of any help. I would at least spend time to listen and understand them first.

I sincerely hope for my fren to step out of the abyss of darkness soon. It's just heart-piercing to know how much suffering has been going through. Definitely we can't feel exactly how they feel. But when I know how much he/she still tries to fight against the fate. I am very happy and glad that the consciousness of will and determination is still around, meaning there is still hope. Hope.

My fren is at least the type who will try to stand up despite the numerous falls. Shame on those who just like to laze around and conveniently indulge in sulking and depression.

Reflections of life

2010-04-19T01:24:00.002+08:00

I feel as one grows older, alot of hesitations appear... as things got complicated. I thought I have always been very decisive on the things I wanna do in careers etc..... but recently after hearing thoughts and observations from other colleagues, I find that I have not thought about my future prospects as much as others... or maybe I do think about it but not constantly reminded of the many tiny things and steps I have to look out for.... they are good reminders.... but makes me feel I am not super prepared.

Also on the marriage etc from surrounding people, I also feel I have fallen far behind in that aspect of life. I am of cos not super prepared for marriage and such....

Recently I snipped my hair.... by myself in the middle of the night.... Started with the irritating long fringe.... and then I got addicted and cut my sides and then the rest.... Now my fringe is way too short, and my layering is wacky now.... haiz.... Hope they will grow long fast so that I can go for a proper haircut in a few weeks' time.

My bio clock is reversed badly.... I am suffering from insomnia of some sort.... I can really sleep when it's like 4 or 5 am... else I'll toss around on my bed and my brain will keep thinking of things... I feel like my life is in a mess, disorganized and screwed to a certain extent. I need more discipline on myself.....

Heart matters: I had many funny scandals from office, but they are just jokes. Good to have some to brighten up your mundane office days. I do appreciate but then it is still scary to get calls from some uncle asking to be friend with him. yucks....

How long does a crush end? Which is your longest one? 2 months? 6 months? 1 year? or more? or have you mistaken a crush for love, and that even up til now you have not realise?

Move on

2010-04-12T01:08:00.003+08:00

无动静的夜晚，
却含着内心深处有如鱼鳞般的湖泊。

冷清而毫无一丝的消息，
化为肉眼看不见的针线，
不停地在心中穿梭，
顺眼之间换来了时间的伤痕。

等待着的小船在湖畔上漂着。
伴着渔夫的鸟儿带着许许多多的千言万语和暖心的问候。
渔夫终于将这些问候传达给船上的女主。

叹了一口气之后，女主点了头。
气中带着年岁的惋惜与遗憾，
而剩下的只有无奈和等待。
是时候承认凡事的事实和不可能的华丽梦境。
憧憬的一切就此在女主的脑海中策低地被毁淡。
这样的心境谁能理解？

渔夫轻巧得把小船划出湖畔，向着大海，向着辽阔的天空。
船后泼起的水鳞，在夕阳下泛出耀眼的光芒，
照出了女主脸颊上已干的泪痕。

I got abit carried away by my poetic instinct, and thus the above "short essay". I hope you guys enjoyed it... and the feelings embedded within.... Been thinking through things and telling myself to move on ... to move on ... and I should be on my way.

I can't see the boundary and I can't see any island in front of me yet, but at least I am moving somewhere... and to give up the ideals that I always thought I can have... I guess I am not one of those who get the chance to be so lucky, unlike some ppl.... but who knows, maybe there's miracle but then I think I better not put hopes on it anymore, or at least put it aside.

Yup, that's about it.

PS: Lav! you are still reading my blog?! Thank you!

Another post for today: dramas!

2010-03-30T22:22:00.002+08:00

Ok, so for the past few months, I found more nice manga, anime or dramas!! thanks to many ppl's recommendations.

1. Kimi ni Todoke (From Me To You)
This is an award winning still ongoing shojo manga. And they made it into an anime!! Very very nice! I recommend you to watch the anime. It beautifully portray the many delicate feelings between frens and lovers. Very meaningful show to watch, and many funny parts. I always finish each episode with laughter and the feeling of warmth, tenderness and lovingness. It's really good for the soul and heart.

2. Otomen (乙男)
This is a funny drama! It is based from a still ongoing manga as well. I think the manga has more stuff and so the drama kind of shorten everything up to be more concise. By the way, the drama is finished! Yup, damn funny, with this guy trying to hide his girly thoughts and skills such as being in love with cooking, sewing, love cute stuff and sweet foods. And his mom is worse, getting "stroke" after the Dad declared he always wanted to become a woman and left the house. What a screwed family and tragic past but the show actually made it into such a comedy with the usual exaggerated animated expression. So everything is super lighthearted and funny.

3. Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge (The Perfect Girl Evolution)
This drama is actually recommended by Sel, then Jovie. Omg, damn funny and interesting with all the crazy funny ideas. Seriously who wrote this story! It's so entertaining, fun and sweet. There's meaninfulness in the overall theme, about each and everyone having their own problems and complex, and they live under the same roof. So they all learnt to understand each other. It all begins with a given mission to turn this particular gal (niece of the house owner) into a beautiful lady. Yea, not to mention, the people living in that crazy castle-like mansion are 4 cute guys (ok, only 1 cute to me). haha, thus my new item to my collection is Kamenashi Kazuya. hiak hiak.

Ok, that's all for today!

Back from MIA

2010-03-30T22:08:00.002+08:00

Oh my, I havent update my blog since the week before my birthday til now. Meaning, almost 1 and half months. Well, I didnt really wanna celebrate my birthday this year, just wanting it to go by like any day.... I no longer feel the happiness in it.... But I do still believe that birthdays are only meaningful and happy when there are people who genuinely cares and loves you, and wanna wish u all the best and spend the time with you. However surprisingly without any special planning etc I ended up meeting more frens and have little gatherings here and there. Overall it's still an enjoyable period of time. :) I think I prefer the informal gatherings afterall. more relaxed, more for everyone to enjoy themselves.

Been very busy with office work becos my team took part in a competition, and to add on with the projects on hand, there's simply too much to do. Finally the submission this morning marks the end of competition. Though things will be more calm after this, there's definitely still work to do, but no more craziness for now. I actually had a two nights stayover in office without going home at all. Gheez....

Now my teamleader and boss let us have this week off!! finally i can stay at home to rest more.... and catch up on my blog, fb, dramas etc etc!

Oh, I'm going for the Clash of the Titans movie preview tomorrow~ ! hmmm what should I wear....

Disheartened

2010-02-06T16:37:00.002+08:00

I am just disappointed.... at people, at things, at work stuff, at myself,.....

No matter what I do or try, I am always far from it..... I dun wan any repeats of the history.

I think for some things, I'm on the brink of giving up.... cos they are never going to bulge from their seats. Since you are so cold, I will not look your way anymore.

As for some things that is irritating about. I notice for some people when they are online and I went to give them a message, either there is no response or immediately it became 'away' or 'offline' status. For years I have been patient and I tried to find all sorts of excuses for them, like maybe it's just coincidence or maybe it's someone else using their account so they had to quickly log off to prevent further communication etc etc. For years now, I think I am sick of helping them find excuses already. If you really dun wish to talk to people or me, den might as well block me or delete me from your list and I will never bother you again. Not that I talk to them super often and it's like once a while in few months kind. suan le, I gave up on people.

new toy?

2010-01-31T19:07:00.003+08:00

My sis bought itouch for herself on her birthday.... many ppl started playing iphone around me, on the streets, on gatherings etc etc..... all the talks about itouch, iphone, ipad ......

For me I am still not that interested in iphone unless they have our local radio streaming embedded and with a better lasting battery.

Now comes the part.... I want to have the Cintique tablet but it's way way way too exp. I also need to get a new digital camera cos mine is more than 6 yrs old. though still working but the battery cant even last more than 1 hour of usage, and the batt cover parts are deteriorating. :( the former costs 5k.... the latter costs at least 700-800 plus.... gheez..... i just checked my account.... I think I have not reach the stage where i can spend easily without 2nd thoughts. i should wait awhile more....

Shapes of Emotions

2010-01-25T04:31:00.003+08:00

The saturday that had just passed, was another lunch + hanging ard with my JC mates. It's been quite a while since a small grp of us would go shopping around like that. How time passes so quickly that yock highlighted that this year is our 10th anniversary of knowing each other. The moment as I typed this, I felt a sudden sourness in my nose. We shared quite an amt of moments and obstacles together, really.

Anyway late evening, the gals continued on their own with a simple dinner and quick shopping. Over the meal we chatted about relationships etc.... And this conversation continued on our journey home in the train. The post-feelings after all this talk, as I got off the train, is more of a kind of sadness; a kind of lingering; a kind of dilemma and confliction within that arouse nothing else but the urge to just burst out crying on the streets. But I controlled myself and pondered over why and how complicated the threads of feelings had spun among each and every one of us in our lives, entangled us into love triangles, love squares, love circles, and so forth. Why can't things be simpler...

As if one knot is not enough for me to solve and untie, another knot came. People can move on. But there are times when suddenly we can turn back again. Somehow I am being reminded of some things that I have not untie thoroughly, and now it came back to haunt me, demanding me of an answer from my own goodself. I am terribly stuck, I can't move on to anywhere, as good as an entangled soul. What is it that I am looking for, and where does my heart lies?

Numb? n random thoughts

2010-01-02T20:18:00.003+08:00

I think I must have been tired of always being very mindful about people's feelings, tired of being sensitive, tired of being etc etc .... that somehow I ended up with indulgence. Indulge in own misjudgements and distorted senses; indulge in the things one would like to see and hear.... This resulted in what is now has become insensitive and less considerate. One can really get tired of putting up with people.

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Years ago, I have seen people changing and people leaving. Humans have fleeting minds and hearts. When time goes by, you witness how some things some people just got distant from one another. more and more like strangers. I think I understand why some people choose to delete himself/herself from social networking websites such as facebook. Sometimes, seeing photographs and knowing somethings can be very painful.

Numb is good at times. But you have to force numbness on yourself most of the time. And that forcing is usually reaped after tears and pains.

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We are always waiting for many things in life. Haha, like waiting for prices of stuff to drop?? nah, just kidding..... Well, I am very tired of waiting already. Maybe its time I should give up. Since responses are never returned. I may never get answers. Sometimes giving up can be painful and sour in the heart too.

I do wish I can at least have chance to make a nice and proper round-up ending to at least thank some people before their paths move too far away from mine; too far away that I can never see their back views again. Or is it too late to do so now.

Making such a proper ending may deem too serious or redundant to them but I would still like to have a proper ending... Otherwise, it's frustrating... as though something is left handing there unanswered.

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When I come to this thinking, my heart feels abit sour... abit painful. It's difficult to carry out. And at the same time one has to give them up. But I think this must be also an inevitable part of life. There should be new pasture with new sun, new moon and new stars in that sky.

Maybe it's time for me to start into the new journey with new set of mind and emotions. Ganbatte ne.... a new year has started for a new beginning...

Lost

2009-12-26T02:49:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I know who and what I am waiting for,, but sometimes I don't know anymore.

Dilemma, Uncertainty, Lost.

some thoughts

2009-12-13T15:57:00.001+08:00

when art is my life, architecture is my pride and music is my drug.

Relationships

2009-12-05T22:41:00.006+08:00

I realised I have not really talk abt very very personal/private stuff in this blog for quite some time already.... probably I am like too tired to say about it. And my blog is getting more like showcasing works and news.... maybe I should separate this and private talks into 2 places... should i do that? I have to maintain 2 site then :(

Many things are getting too public.... facebook is far more public...even some minor comments can spur alot of commotions and reactions from people... and also getting misunderstandings from people who are not involved. so... nothing much can be shared online these days.... unless one opens an anonymous blog for only frens to know.

Recently reading a blog from one of my girlfrens. I really applaud her for being into r/s one after another even though she kept getting herself sad and hurt.... She mentioned about some common traits in the guys that she has involved in / chased by. This is interesting. Cos I also notice some common traits for mine....

I realised that most guys who have expressed interest in me are pretty quiet, introvert, more importantly, fragile in some manner. Like having problems in life, feeling down and meaningless in life, or very insecure about something, and no motivation, no zest in life. One of them even specifically told me that I am always so motivated and cheerful and it makes him smile all the time; that I am so energetic and optimistic in life, very determined and knowing what I want to do and what I love to do, and so on. [actually I think you need more of a... preacher, counsellor ..... and not a girlfriend for that purpose....] I am really touched to hear that from someone else but all these are just one side of me. No one understand how much depths of anger, sadness, worries, failures, stress I had been facing, controlling and overcoming, these are not always shown to people. Though I have a lot of self-motivation but there are also many times I break down, got lost and unmotivated. Time helps to make people stand up again to keep moving on. You have to understand that your life is still your life. If you are not changing something to it, nothing will happen. So, no matter how fast or slow it will take you, at least you are still trying to stand up, gaining back little by little of hope.

Being fragile is one of the traits. The next one is worse. Dominating. No matter how fragile or insecure they are, soon i find that they will start to control and dominating me, in many different aspects for different people. It's all over the place, from the choice of words I type and speak, to the way I create sentences, to the way I express myself and body gestures, to the way I look at things. Dominating is already way too much, and some even went further to criticise me right from the beginning. Seriously, I think if that is the case, I am not definitely not the one for him. Cos if you like someone, you should already understand the way he/she is and accept her, but of cos if something is really really wrong, then highlight to him/her those areas to tone down. Otherwise, you need to make a decision to end this relationship. It will be better for both person. It should never be the case of just getting into a relationship and then trying to force him/her into the way that you want. That is wrong. Or if you are TRYING to accept him/her only after the r/s starts, that is also a pretty wrong start. Meaning, you do not really like him/her first before knowing whether you are sure to start a relationship with that person.

Is it so very very easy and common for most people to dominate on the other? I see many successful couples can go along harmoniously without one trampling on the other. They must have done correct communication from the start. Seriously, I am still learning about myself and what I prefer. At least now I know that I cannot stand 1) PERSISTANT FRAGILITY and 2)DOMINATION. And definitely know that the person must be someone whom I have regular communications with and that I am comfortable with it.

You know, I usually run far far away from scary things, scary people and people whom I dun wish to see for prevention of awkwardness. I also understand it is not nice to have a sudden cut off, should still try to talk abit here and there rite. So recently, I saw this person online, so I just want to do some catching up and making sure he is living on well after all the moody depression he has in life. The problem with him is also that he kept living in his past and needs people (like me, as he said) to motivate him and give him a 'new' life. While i cleared up things, I also said to him he has to stand up on his own and he has promised to 'TRY'... Ok, so I said hi to him online that night to know that he had been going on vacations ..... to wander around. And same old thing: moody, no mood to work... and said he will never be happy again. ......... same old stuff and he is not even trying to work out his life. I am disappointed. Years passed and he's not doing justice to his talents, his life, his parents, his boss, his frens (if any). Anyone will just feel angry at him, and not going to pity or empathsize him anymore. At the start maybe will try to empathsize and help him out with his thoughts. I have talked way too much and he has choosen to indulge in his own problem too much, too extreme, too uncommon. Seriously, I am not his goddness, not anyone's goddness anyway, and so the extent of help and influence I can give is only this much. The rest is on his own. "If you do not help yourself, even god cannot help you."

As he said this "I will never be happy again", is he trying to make me feel guilty? Since I am like his only source of laughter and joy to him and that he can never be happy again because of me. I am 'guilty' because I am not accepting him? No one is obliged to love someone. This is UNREASONABLE. By saying this, are you trying to make the person to love you out of guilt? It's just like what that girl fren of mine has said - such distorted relationship will never find true love, and the relationship will not last. It's meaningless. Haizzzzzz.......

All right shall end here... ops, this entry got too long.....hah....

Dramas to recommend

2009-11-24T21:38:00.005+08:00

For past 3-4 mths, I have watched some very nice Jap dramas. Shall recommend to you guys:

1. Moso Shimai (妄想姉妹/Paranoid Sisters)
Ok, it started abit arousing.... but the whole plot of the show is very well done, interesting and meaningful. It portrays different forms of love, and finally all piece together to express what life is, and what it means to you. Pretty inspiring.

2. Sore wa, Totsuzen, Arashi no you ni (それは、突然、嵐のように…)
Next I watched this show about how this housewife met this high school boy during a rainy day. He was always in sadness due to some reasons and he worked part-time as a dance teacher. Slowly their relationship developed.... and this show very beautifully and maturedly shows how the housewife struggles to carry on the duties and responsibilities as someone's wife and daughter-in-law while facing the dilemma of her feelings. Meanwhile the boy expresses his feelings for her. It's a very touching, meaningful and beautiful story, and very delicately tells us what love is, what a marriage is, what is the meaning and how to handle things in marriage and the years ahead.

3. Atashinchi no Danshi (アタシんちの男子)
Ok, something more funny, cheerful and happier. Many actors and actress from the famous Hana Kimi (jap) or HuaYangShaoNanShaoNu (taiwan version which Ella acted as the lead actress) are also cast in this show. Very interesting props, storyline, and of cos cute cute boys. But the main idea is about Family. How these different people, not blood-related, can come together after several disputes through understanding and care. Light hearted and yet very heart-warming. Keeps you smiling and happy :)

From here, when i have time, i will try to catch Maou and etc etc.... Will let u guys know again when I found more good dramas. ^^

AFA 09 - thank you!!

2009-11-23T22:18:00.003+08:00

The prize ceremony and exhibition during AFA event at Suntec during the weekend had been fun, memorable and enjoyable!! Thanks to all my anime friends who came to also to support me! hehe~ This year I managed to talk to Stanley Lau, art director of IFS and also one of the judges for the competition to ask him for comments about my entry. Hehe~

Alot of cool cosplayers this year. I really must say that the standard of this event is getting better and better each year! There's a wacom booth there and saw this really huge and cool drawing tablet where u can draw directly on the screen.... I WANT ONE!!!! Cintiq 21UX. I think this will be my ultimate goal and my ultimate toy to aim at ahahaha~~ >.< please sponsor me, someone, some people!

Anyway, thanks to all my friends, family and other supporters to encourage me to work on my entry when I was abt to give up.... and also for voting me such that I became the winner of the Viewer's Choice. Muacks! I wouldn't be here today without you guys manz. I am glad I didnt let u guys down too :)

And of cos, the NUS anime club juniors who painstakingly organise this competition each year and run it through the end. Same goes to the sponsors and judges who also play the major roles in making this competition and event a successful one!

Graphite done!!!!!!!

2009-11-08T23:27:00.003+08:00

YYYYEEEEESSSHHHH! I did the most impossible thing this year so far, which is actually to complete this graphite entry for the competition. yea, this explains why i am sooooo MIA for the past 1 month....

Half of the drawing was left to be done since yesterday (sat morn) all the way this evening before rushing out to get it printed den meet up with the anime ppl who I have to submit to.

It feels like the usual architecture submission. yup, i have not sleep for more than 24 hours now, but I cant sleep yet. Need to do my appraisal form for office tml. >.<

So all right folks, U guys will expect to see my new drawing uploaded to my blog soon :) stay tune!!

Graphite competition 2009! [part2]

2009-10-18T21:02:00.002+08:00

I'm slow at it..... tired.... i feel like giving up but then looking at how much better the character looked compared to last year's, I feel I need to complete this in time.... haiz....

Compared to other youngsters, I think I am like wasting my youth. I dun play as much, I dun indulge in games too much as before.... I know I shldnt be complaining cos this is wat I feel I am destined for and to chase for the things i love to do in this short life of mine.... time is never enuff. I shouldnt complain.... In fact, I should just let my body follow thru this passion of mine.... it's just that time is not making things pleasant,... i hate to rush things, cos it spoils the whole process and the joy of it....

*sigh* I wish I can be more concentrated now.

Graphite competition 2009!

2009-10-18T15:08:00.002+08:00

Ok, I have been MIA-ing... why? yes, I am trying to rush for Graphite competition this year again!! heehehe...

I am actually very tired, and it's affecting my health quite abit... It's like I have 3 jobs to do in a single day + 1 more that is put on hold already.... 3 jobs, meaning my day job, then freelance job, and this competition..... Dun worry qh, I never forget the '4th job' k~

Yea, so my sis helped out in my facebook alot.... all the games she helped me to maintain etc. I even give up time to watch my weekly dose of animes and dramas. How's that...

Stressed.... I am left with less than 3 weeks, and I feel like I am only 3-4% done with the colouring.... die.....

New dish & New hairdo

2009-09-13T11:32:00.002+08:00

Ok~ last week's potluck went very well! Last sunday I went to NTUC at night (ard 7 plus) to get my ingredients, then cooked.... I think I completed cooking at 10 plus pm ahahaaa. I had decided to make small omelette rolls~ I wanted to use bacon but they are not Halal. I forgot that they are still fasting, hence I do not have to worry abt that actually. But too bad, blur blur me tot I had to get halal stuff. So i changed to chilli and black pepper tuna to replace bacon and ham.

So what I did is I added the tuna, plus cheese bits, and some special pepper, then i fold them up like folding popiah. My colleagues said they tasted nice, but somehow I am still disappointed cos the taste didnt turn out the way I had imagined them to be. One gal told me that I shld add milk to the egg. oh ya..... cos the egg part itself is blant mah~ haiz, ok next time i can add milk, some sugar, etc.

Yesterday just went to cut hair, i wanna rectify some kinks to my natural wavy hair, and ended up doing perm.... i was abit scared abt it. Indeed I am feeling weird abt it now. I think I look so much older than before :( Next weekend maybe doing up some highlights and hopefully to tone down this massive bloom of black hair.... u know, my hair is very thick already, and with perm, it's like..... BLAST!

damn.... hahaha shld I invest in some iron clamps for the hair.....

Ok next week is going to be hell lots of OT.... i dun wanna imagine further. I will keep positive and settle my stuff one by one with watever today is left of *sigh*

My job is testing me to be all-rounder...

2009-09-05T14:26:00.003+08:00

No, I am not referring to the boring topic about us being able to multitask in your job, able to do project management as well as perform PR skills. I have something more interesting here.

Last thurs, I became a 'teacher'. I had to rush out a presentation to teach my team how to use photoshop specifically to our field of work, but of cos from there can learn tips and tricks to do other stuff in future of your own interest. Glad that at least my team leader and one senior colleague liked it and said they learnt alot and said "omg, I wondered how much time have I wasted in the past figuring out this and this". But sadly, for the real beginners, they think my lesson is way too difficult and fast for them. Yup, very sorry!! I will try to make a basic basic one for them in future.

Ok, next, I have to decide the tile finishes, draw the tiles, make the tiles layout, and some simple Interior stuff in my work. The contractor side wants me to have them done, some by Monday, some by midweek. This is crazy. While I need to juggle work, I have to be a chef this weekend. why???

ok, my team is having this lunch potluck thing on Monday, and the theme is Western cusine. Everyone is making pretty classy stuff, yummy. therefore I am expected to make something nice as well.... my teamleader said everything I do must start from scratch.... You know, I dun cook.... The time when I was in sweden is just cooking sufficient for myself to stay alive.... Now in this 1 or 2 days time I need to do research, buy groceries and uplevel into an average class chef. STRESS.... haha

I really have not so much time to play around leh.... ok nvm, I am still taking things positively and enjoy parts of my weekends at least. Life is so very interesting.

Butter Factory

2009-09-01T00:34:00.002+08:00

I mentioned on my 2nd last previous post that my fren invited us to Butter rite? The new Butter at Fullerton is much nicer than the old one, I feel. The music is sooo much nicer to my liking. However, I dunno why but they love to blast their music so loud that we cant hardly hear one another to an irritable extent and discomfort. We all ended up feeling abit deaf when we came out. Even their speakers already went hoarse. I didnt have this deafness post-symptom from St james and Zouk.

And abt the alcohol, our fren cum organiser ordered champagne, martell and some red wine i think. yea she had to open 3 bottles to get a table of 12 guests. All of great quality. But of cos I am not the type who can drink, so I stick to champagne. Actually last last year when I started trying alcohol, I can still take it, though small amount but I dun get dizzy. And afterwards, each time i drink (I dun drink alot anyway), the situation got worse and my last recent case is 1 glass of champagne (I drank it very slow already!) was enuff to give me terrible dizziness and stomach cramps that were so painful I had to grit my teeth all the way and crunch in pain for quite some time.

So learning from experience, this time I took it real slow, and alternate with a big glass of green tea to dilute the champagne in my stomach. In a way I am like having champagne mixer.... Actually the green tea is meant for the martell but I kope it purely to drink as tea itself. Other than kx and Ying, I think the rest tot that I am drinking martell mixer. Happily I cheers with it :p!! Muaahhaa. yea, I am such a bluffer aka fake-ko arent I. So basically I am drinking more of green tea there. Oh but still, the champagne is real good :)

That night the high part came at ard 2 plus am. Actually I wanna leave at 2am but ended we all stayed til the end and then chatted outside at the open plaza. Tsk, shag but it's still enjoyable despite all the deafening but not bad songs. The songs got better after 2 plus 3am actually... manz, shld have started it earlier. Oh, and people got soooo high that we had 2 couples (strangers) near us doing 'fabulous' and very hair-rising 'performances' that were tooooo hot, toooooo initmate, and tooooo sexy for the eyes... We tried not to look at them... haha... manz....

musician

2009-08-31T00:48:00.004+08:00

Ahh~~ music music~~

While listening to bands, vocals, music, all the more I feel i wanna learn electric guitar and keyboard.

And I wonder how nice to have a bf who is a musician. He can sing and play for u all the time haha. ok, it's not a criteria or watsoever, juz a causal remark about having this as a bonus.

Anyway I still hope one day i can sing and play on my own though.... haiz... too bad, money fall short here and there, must be careful abt what i spend these days. Bills and more bills.... and many expenses are necessary or unavoidable. *sigh*

This weekend was still enjoyable despite lack of sleep, haven started the office work that i need to do this weekends, freelance and many more. And I managed to thrash out some frustrations/anger I had to some frens... glad that they listened.

Seriously, I think we wont wanna a guy who sulk and loves to stay in depression, and stay in his own world with his own rules, only know how to try to change the way others speak and behave. Neither do we need an egoistic MCP, or dominating guy, who only keep criticising you and also keep hinting to u that he cannot commmit alot of things and pre-ampt you not to expect anything more. We dun need such guys who already predict the stereotype situation and going to follow that template. He havent really started on the relationship, and already try to make a back door for himself, telling u not to have expectations on him, meaning he won't try to put in effort for you. Either he is not commited at all, or not serious abt the relationship, or he is simply a coward and half-hearted guy who is not confident and not bothered enuff to improve himself, and just sulk with his pile of inferiority that dunno come from where. Yet, he still have the cheek to control her and taking her for granted. Come on, i think we all know that actually he is just accepting the gal so that he can fulfil his desires for lust. I think i can write a pile on this, but i will end at this. Too much to say already. So gals, open ur eyes wide wide, and dun get blinded by ur heart and thinking he is really nice, gentle, caring person. Without knowing him well, u will fail to see that in fact he is a soft-spoken tiger that cant wait to control u and eat u up, expect u to follow his ways and thinking, talking to u only when he is happy. Worse, he is an insensitive arsehole who will simply take u for granted once he has gotten hold of you. Communication, my friend, is very important. best to have mo4 qi4 too. Anyway I am glad we all learn something abt ourselves and abt other people as we go along, then we learn from mistakes and experience, and knowing more about what kind of ppl u prefer and suitable to u. Luckily no one is taken advantage of, and everything is fine.

But of cos cant help but feel very angry, just too angry, becos I dun deserve to go thru all this shit and waste my time, effort and mental stress.

On the other hand, gals most probably prefer guys who are impressive. They dun have to be very zai, very smart, very pro at everything etc. As long as they are passionate abt life, love the thing they do, and very good at something, serious in their work and do them well; responsible, respect and cares for the rest in his small little ways, and that will be very impressive already. :) I respect them too. So far, only a small number of guy frens I really respect them in that kind of manner. Generally, everyone is respected of cos. Guys or gals, I dunno them well. In fact, I dunno everyone well enuff. Everyone has many sides and many faces and many inner tots. We cant expect ppl to know u 100% inside out. But one shld accept that person the way he/she is if you are really serious about him/her right from the start, and not criticising constantly and trying to change him/her for you. If u need to do so, it means you dun love him/her at all. then, it is not suitable for you already, better to end it fast.

ok, enuff of me blabbering :) going to sleep soon~ nitez ppl~

Human's fear and contradictories

2009-08-23T22:53:00.002+08:00

I want to knock on your door but I couldn't bring myself to do so.

I want to see you yet I can't look into your eyes.

I am worried for you but I can't walk over to hold your hands.

I want to comfort you but nothing comes out from my mouth.

Humans are so weird and so stingy with their words, care and expressions.

Histaminosis?!

2009-08-22T20:16:00.002+08:00

It's intolerance to histamine that is produced from alcohol. Recently a few of my friends concluded based on my symptoms, that most probably i have intolerance to alochol. One fren said histaminosis. And on the internet, I found other types of allegy-like symptoms. Polymorphism, etc... whatever manz.

Then Mr. K said if it is histaminosis, then it's very dangerous. Y? Becos it contracts your blood arteries, so it means it can lead to coma!

Woa ok.

Anyway, whether it is histaminosis or other kinds of names and terms, I am definitely not the type who should drink alcohol.

My previous experience with champagne is a torture.

Tonight elita invited us to Butter Factory..... For JJ's farewell... so I guess I will go for a while.... I am really lazy to go out at night.... I really very tired to get out of house manz.... Hope the music there is nice and way different from the old Butter Fact at M.Sultan.

This month is full of deadlines until I cant breathe.... suffocating.

1. I have to prepare ps and skp lessons for my team
2. I have to settle the freelance work.
3. the gaming characters illustrations
4. my office season greetings card competition, partnered with a colleague

And tml is my grad studio phototaking with the family. HOW TO HAVE TIME!!!!
Sianz.....

and i have gained 2kg since i started working. THat is DAMN BAD....
what can actually cheer me up now?????? >.<

Illusions

2009-08-17T19:55:00.001+08:00

Hmm... it has been a long time since i post something here. Well, my working life is so hectic that I have yet to sort out my Japan photos.... haiz....

but i am trying to get start at blogging again. last sat night had a good chit chat with a female fren. It was great, it cleared my illusions, esp so after i woke up the next day. My mind was so crystal clear.

I feel like I am a dangerous person. dangerous in the sense that when i believe in something i like or want, or at least I thought I like, I will really juz indulge in it and keep thinking abt it every single moment. It's sooooo obsessive isnt it. Well at least I am finally getting out of all these craps.... This reminded me of the anime Naruto where Ninja can perform illusion jitsu on people and they need comrades to insert their chakura onto the person to get him/her out of the illusion. This is a great analogy for this isnt it? aahhahaha~~ dun say i anime craze, it really teaches many things, directly and indirectly.

Back from Japan

2009-06-24T18:08:00.005+08:00

Its been more than a week since returning from Japan trip. I m back to the madness amt of freelance work to do.... haiz.... not even haf time to sort my photos yet.... n i will be starting work on july 1st. argh... where is my hols and rest before the start of hell work!!!!

ok fine, u guys will say "u ask for it". so i shall stop grumbling.... hahaha
i heard from yesterday, my future-colleague said the company tio someone with H1N1.... ops... scary!! and the rest of the team had to go home and get quarantined. It will be deducted from their medical leave.... sian rite. and i wonder if they have to bring work home to do oso. yucks!

all right, i still have the masks brought for the japan trip which are still unused...

ok will post the photos soon. but the most bulk will be uploaded at my facebook.

Pissed

2009-05-26T21:20:00.003+08:00

Idiot.

Why does everytime whatever I do wherever I go, I always have things or people that cut across by path. The worse is I always do things and say things that put me at a disadvantage and help others. Why am i always so naive and stupid, and only to realise after others have beautifully and happily taken advantage of me and secretly mocking. WTF. When will I ever learn. Even if this is my nature, can't I be smarter and not get bullied everytime. WTF. Idiot. Stupid.

Why cant ppl let me live and work peacefully on my own.

I felt I have screwed up big time for this. I hate them. And I hate myself even more.

Daring and impulsive

2009-05-16T01:44:00.003+08:00

I think I am really a combination of daring and impulsive. maybe sometimes I am pushed to do things becos of that.

I keep daydreaming, imagineing and hoping at alot of things in my mind. But when some of these opportunities really appeared for me to grab, I really grab them without much hesitation. however when i am finally grabbing it, i suddenly feel fear and worries coming out and feel maybe I cant handle them at all.... like chickening out every minute every day afterwards. really muz force myself manz.

Thursday I did 2 crazy things. One of them I will mention when it is fully confirmed. the other one is.... I AM FINALLY GOING JAPAN!! u hear me? japan! omg my dream place for years!!! 10 years i think! 10 years i keep dreaming abt it but I know I cant force everything i wanna try and do in this first trip. I shld be able to go again in future bah. so i shall do the most fun or most memorable stuff at the moment... gheez need to plan abit and do some research. Frens said i shld cosplay with the cosplayers there and i will look the most normal there hahahaha. nooo! but i will take photos with them! heeeeheeeeheeee i muz find visual kei pretty boys n gals too.

Jovie said she can visit me in Tokyo all the way from her rural place hahaha. omg, muack muack. but cant confirm yet cos she still has her lessons on going. Yockie, if i can afford to start work late like Aug, then i can go with u to hk or thai~ i still want to have a spa thingy!! >.< i want spa spa spa shopping and sightsee and culture. food too!!

I went to have my haircut on thurs (yea, alot of things happened yesterday thurs) and told my hairdresser about Japan trip n he was so excited and we chatted about it throughout the whole session. hahaha but i guess i wont be back in his shop again soon to tell him abt my trip... maybe juz a simple visit/drop-by.

Manz, i am still jobless. I am damn worried about my emails n freelance projects while i am away. hopefully can settle as much as possible. >.<

Finally!!!!

2009-05-12T03:00:00.003+08:00

haha abit delayed but never too late to announce that I am officially out of this thesis work. Though I am still worried about whether I can really pass....

I cant imagine I went through HELL for it, i wonder how did I ever managed. Like I didnt sleep much, maybe 3 hours every 2 days kind stretching over 2 weeks or more until finally the day before submitting my panels I actually fell asleep and woke up at NIGHT, totally to my horror that I havent done a single panel yet. So much in shock that I couldnt even cry.... I really really wanna thank uncle in this. without him I would have died terribly. Now that I think back, I really want to cry. Cos it's juz too nerve wrecking and yet I am blessed to survive through it.

I almost wanted to give up at any stage of this thesis from design all the way to the final submissions. Ailing, brenda, wingchi etc told me not to give up when I was thinking of whether I shld IP.... I think 2-3 weeks before the submission when I am still trying to come up with the design and plans, I was damn upset after seeing my tutor and really picked a penknife blade that has been lying around on the dds desk and put it at my wrist. but wj is sitting next to me la, so I know I am not insane and stupid enough to cut. I still treasure my life k.... I am not a worthless piece of junk that cant do anything other than schwork.

There are so many ppl to thank, and I wrote them down for my Acknowledgement in my Thesis Report. Though the project has been very torturing, I am very happy to know more ppl, and made new frens. They made my last year in sch a very happy and meaningful one despite the sadness from work. I hope we'll keep in touch for the years to come. I know once we all dispersed and start work, many ppl will start distancing and disappearing.

Somehow I am still like fiddling with things and no time to pack my room... In fact I dunno how to pack finish all of them. horrendous mess.... and I dunno where I want to work! And before I can settle anything, my freelance project client starts to pounce on me for the continuation of work, and other projects here and there coming in.... argh, I cant even take a break mentally. But physically I will be lazy and watch dramas here and there....

ok i am going to start rumbling random stuff~

Juz had a late night jogging with Wing. This's my first time jogging so late and not within a stadium track. Nice experience! I hope we can do more often but she leaving sg!! haiz. will miss ya >.<

I want to go Japan as grad trip but I dun tink i have much money to spend happily there.... thinking of HK instead... or Thailand... i wan spa too... then today Zm told me a Japan promotion thingy that tempted me! but I dun wan be a lightbulb unless someone else joining. ahahha~~ anyway i think they wanna have a romantic sweet time together la. i must be more considerate mah~~

*yawn* everyday I have programmes and activities. really no rest hahaha. I still need to do my shopping!! I have a list of important needs and wants. argh... I feel like very busy still! hehe

ok I think I will find time to look at my SEP photos, filter them and then post them. I know I know, they are 2-3 years ago!! BUT BUT.... still, they need to be posted though I forgot the name of the places and things I took liao.... i believe there are hundreds and hundreds of photos to look at lor.... pls look forward to it ok!! :)

Report report

2009-05-01T08:53:00.002+08:00

I woke up pretty early today... I had very sad sad dreams.... Cant remember now as I've woken up. But somehow the thought of no time to do my report and printing them pulled me out of bed. Seriously, everything is no time no time.

And during crit last Monday, I was kind enuff or suey enuff to have to help this foreign lecturer to conduct her survey by passing ard her questionaires, and so she have my phone number and address. Having ur phone number out to ppl is very very troublesome.... cos u are 'invaded'. Furthermore, they EXPECT things from you.

Similarly, few days ago I was out with my frens for dinner and this client called to bother me abt some things with a certain tone in their voice. He claimed that I cancelled on his call and sounded HMPF at it and demanded explanation. I was damn pissed cos it sounded childish. I simply didnt and the phone registered as Missed. If I accidentally pressed cancel on it, it would not even appear as Missed. Furthermore I was in Toilet. I am not a person who will immediately be at your service ok. I am not a servant that is 随传随到 ok. I only do my best to accept all call when i can. And I was EXPTECTED to know alot of things. kaoz, I am not saint k. It's only until i can give satisfactory SOLUTIONs to their problems then they are willing to stop calling me for the day. Is there no such things as "I dunno" allowed in this society....

ops i supposed to talk abt report but well nvm, i digrest simply cos at this time i was abit bothered by some smses asking for SOLUTIONS. haiz. I did my best to answer.

Post-Submission

2009-04-29T04:29:00.002+08:00

Hihi!! I'm back!!

It was definitely a step into Hell for the past 1-2 weeks and I never tot I would survive. There had been many countless encouragement from frens who forced me to continue otherwise I would have given up. Imagine you only have 4 days left to start your final year submission production. Personally I would think it's nuts. It's a pity I couldnt have enuff days to do a proper complete job.

Other than mental support, I think physical support is definitely the priceless and impt encouraging factor. Without it, i think mentally I would have given up too. People who have went all the way to help throughout the night, seriously I am beyond words. Can never thank them enough. Through this, you can really see the hearts of people. I hope somehow I didnt let u guys down... though I know many things are still not resolved and my presentation is not very good either. I am accepting things and going on to complete this marathon race...

I've cried enough. I only started letting out this fury and sadness since last month after going thru this one year of torture. I tot I can control and hold on until the very end but nevertheless for this last month of the term I had to burst. I have bottled enough frustration that it reached beyond my threshold. I usually dun cry in front of people but this time I've embarrassed myself. For the last 2 days of this submission, I juz burst in school, in the studio... and I can tell u no one will pity u except 2-3 people. But they couldnt give u any physical help also cos mostly they are full at hands already and I was on the brink of giving up myself. It's like survival course and you have to pull urself up. Anyway I'm glad I was able to smile and laugh between my tears despite being so desperate as never before in my life. Ya, amazingly manz. I never scream, never yell, never throw anything. I was still joking with them and keeping cool from time to time. I felt that's one achievement for me. Whether or not those people are making jokes purely to entertain themselves, they certainly destressed me temporarily.

This whole drama is really too exciting. hhaha, but I'm not the only one. I've heard alot of other stories, other genres of stories, for this submission period. too exciting.... esp about angry people vs angry people. and vs selfish people. I'm glad I wasnt part of those drama. Last night I was helping someone with her model, and I really understood the kind of stamina u need to help ppl despite being tired and all.

To my wonderful elves, you know who you are, and I will never be able to thank you enough. You went all your way to help this dying cat, is really speechless and priceless for me. Thank you. Right, shall meet up with u guys again after this final lap. 8th May is the final final date!!! jiayou!!

Submission + Test

2009-03-14T13:50:00.002+08:00

Gosh, been a month since i last updated?
Well, seriously now we archi students are super busy at the moment now, with our design submissions coming and exams together, so u wont see us anymore until May.

My sleeping times are extreme. Last time i sleep during the day rite? And last week my bio clock suddenly flipped to sleeping at 11pm and waking up at 5am. anyway this week i am pretty normal, sleeping like 1 or 2am and waking at 10 or 11 sometimes.... anyway, several times slept for 12 or 14 hours a day.... becos I keep having dreams... dreams of me drowning in a tsunami.... until i feel suffocated enough and woke up in tension. haiz..... wat do u think manz...

Anyway, cya ya guys during May onwards!! I'll still be on msn from time to time though. >.<

Marbling Nail Art

2009-02-23T19:54:00.004+08:00

Past 2-3 weeks, I've learnt something new... something that is fun if you have the time haha.

Ok I've learnt how to paint my nails with marbling technique. Thanks to video tutorials loaded on the internet. It's really very very time consuming. But the process is fun but frustrating at time when you dun get the required results. Many many failures.

Anyway this is my first trial at it. :)

Pampering and Random notes

2009-02-14T17:43:00.002+08:00

To make myself happier while doing work, I have been pampering myself with lotions, body mist, etc etc products that had been given to me by family, frens etc. I always keep them and cant bear to use them. But recently some impulse in me tells me that if i juz continue to keep them for years, they will spoil and get wasted. ^^ recently also tried a new way of doing my nail polish. will post abt that next time.

Facebook is having this thing "25 random notes abt urself" going ard. being tagged, this is what i wrote:

1. This is well known.... I prefer to eat processed meat.... "processed" in terms of alterations in shape, looks and taste enhancement :p
2. I am scared of things with many many legs. Hence I dun eat things like prawns, lobsters, crabs unless they are very VERY processed into bits and pieces. yes chop them CHOP them! Muahahaha just like in shark fin soup...
3. I snack alot alot and bite and munch anything i like along the way, especially when i work....
4. Seldom drink water. Best record: one mouthful in sch per day. but.... Softdrinks are my DRUGs. Cant live without it.... can suffer from withdrawal syndrome.
5. Other than animated expressions, I am handicapped at expressing my care, love and concern for family and friends at most times...
6. Dun like mushy stuff.... Dun like soft toys (except some) cos they are impractical things.
7. Can be superly engrossed in dramas, esp Jap dramas!!! *muack muack!* And will day dream like MAD at them until I wish I live in that show.
8. Super fan of Final Fantasy! I wish I have ppl like Cloud as my bf!
9. Wish that love in reality can be that ideal and romantic as those in dramas.
10. Aspire to be well-known artist but sometimes also daydream to become a rock star, singer of a band etc.... and meet my fav idols! muahaha~
11. Used to hope to set up a design association.
12. I will really be named Julian if I were to born a guy. Too bad.
13. I wish I can have my own studio apartment.
14. I like to travel and visit many many places but I hate walking....I love car lifts. :)
15. Cute animals look delicious.....kitties are the cutest ^^!!
16. When I was a kid/teenager, I hate kids. esp when they are crying, unreasonable and naughty. I feel like i can strangle them at tat time.
17. I hardly sleep when I was young, now I can sleep 24 hrs.
18. I actually sing EVERY SINGLE DAY without fail. bathroom is my best singing studio.
19. I like to keep long nails. So long that my frens are worried abt me typing on keyboards.
20. Been drawing manga/cartoon since kindergarten. Been taking art classes since kindergarten. Been taking art competitions since kindergarten. Been Been Been.....
21. I wanna thank my bunch of DEVILish classmates in younger days and my ANGELlic Sixoneders to make me who I am today. Thanks for both the pain and the love.
22. I used to hate going out at night. I have night phobia...I wan to leave house when there is at least some sun above.
23. I hate the feeling of being LOST. both physically or mentally. That is when I feel like it's end of the world, get really nervous and mentally freaked out.
24. I wish I can play the piano, the guitar, the flute, the violin.......
25. I like metallic stuff. Their nice finishes, fixings and functions thrill me.

Disaster!!!

2009-01-23T02:36:00.002+08:00

shucks shucks shucks shucks shucks shucks shucks shucks shucks shucks shucks shucks

I think i am in disaster mode liao. My thesis!! in such a unspeakable state... undescribable state... unbelievable state... horrifying state.....

wat is chinese new year manz... when u have to go back for class and studio right on the 3rd day of new year...... and piles of work to do.

Sorry peeps, think i am going MIA soon.... oh no..... i need help~ i need to SCREAM "help me!! somebody!! goodness gracious me!!"

Weird dreams

2009-01-17T05:54:00.002+08:00

Past 2 nights, I had one weird but very saddening dream.....

I dreamt I was a healthy kid in some school, enjoying some normal sports activities with frens and all.... ok, I forgot what happened in between but afterwards, this is what happened.

I got some kind of health problem, and need to rely on pills that supply me blood. The funny thing is... it is literally a big pill that will hang at the throat and drip the blood down to the rest of my body.... and thus I cannot move much, no more upside down gymnastics etc etc cos it will spill out. Anyway, each pill can last me only 1-2 hours. That means every 1-2 hours I need to eat a pill (or rather hanging the new pill in my throat) for the REST OF MY LIFE else I will die immediate.

The whole scene was pretty real, and so were my feelings of sadness that I cried and I knew that I was crying in real life too. I woke up with dried tears and the feeling of fear... fear of having such illness for the rest of my life and also that I can die anytime if I am out of pills for juz a few seconds. This will be just too depressing, just too sad, just too tiring to keep urself alive....

Weddings and more weddings!

2009-01-11T14:30:00.002+08:00

Woohoo this year many couples are getting married!

2009 started with my coursemate (gosh that's really early!)on fri and then yesterday went for my cousin's wedding.... There will be 4 colleagues' wedding dinners coming this year. woa really power...

Yesterday as I was watching the couple and other couples ard, I feel something. Dunno how to describe. I already lose the confidence and the hope in what love is. And I already feel that it wont be possible for me to get married. The whole process is so difficult, so complicated, hence I cant understand how these people can do it and lasted for years. I really cant understand.

Though I am pretty determined not to be attached so soon or in the few coming years, but during the dinner, I feel that certain part of me is still wishing that somehow I will meet my Mr Right. But what is considered Right? This is so much more difficult to grasp then doing art. And what I think I would like are something that seem impossible to happen in real life or that I wont be so lucky enough to experience it. Seriously I really hope I can turn one eye away from all these. Somehow I feel awkward and I cant take in too much of such happy occasions when I juz cant feel that happy. Anyway, I will still feel sincerely happy for the couples and the married ones. I wish them blissful marriage. I hope to believe in possibility of blissful.... maybe there is, but just cant imagine to have that happen to me.

Maybe like what I've said when I was a kid, "I'm married to the arts." Already attached to the virtual, the spiritual, the fantasy. Cause they kept me alive.

Maybe the person/thing that I can attach to are those who can give a sense of sincere caring and 心灵上的安慰。Something so heavenly, something so gentle, something that make me float in the world of endless inspiration.
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I felt totally not close to my relatives... cause I simply cant converse with them in Cantonese... it sucks. All of them use canto. why!!!! except me!!

Personality Forecast

2009-01-06T16:51:00.002+08:00

My fren Xenorealm sent me this link. It's really really accurate for me. At least 98%
You shld try it: http://world.doubutsu-uranai.com/

I am a ....

You are Yellow Pegasus, who is charming but short tempered woman.
You posses charms and well liked personality.
You tend to be rather too emotional and over reactive, in that you can cry your eye out on nothing, or be impressed by small things.
From others you look very sociable, and likes being with people.
But inside, you are sensitive and nervous, you are extremely cautious, and are only acting to look sociable.
Nevertheless, you can easily trust people, and tend to be soft hearted.
You should be careful not to be deceived.
You have great talent and intelligence.
You are very active person and are always busy.
Your emotions and actions are combined and you can work on great speed.
You don't let other people come near you, and therefore tend to work on your own.
You are also able to manipulate others to help you do your work.
Someone who can understand your sensitivity and someone who can bring out your talent like a big sister will be a great help for you.
You have too many likes and dislikes.
You are temperamental tom-boy type of woman.
You possess good speculative talent, and may be able to make huge amount of money.
Although you are not a great spender, sometimes you easily spend great amount on impulse.
You will experience grand passion when young.
A lot of this type of people tends to get remarried as well.
Health wise, you should be careful about your stomach and liver.
Having sunshine may do you good.

Dental

2008-12-30T22:38:00.004+08:00

I really think that as one grows up, the guts juz get smaller usually. When I was a kid, I'm not afraid of the dental drilling. But now I do, so much so that I have to clasp my hands tightly and pray that nothing will go wrong.

My top right First Molar has chipped off but it was a big hole. After like 4-5 days passed before I get to see dentist in NUH. Waited for 3 hours and finally my turn and learnt that my teeth is having major issues. The xray revealed that decay had already began at the bottom of the crack until it's very very very near to the root. There is a danger that root canal treatment is required but I hope not.

Now I am having temporary fillings smeared all over the broken tooth like some crude cement patchwork. But its temporary so its ok.... During 2-3 weeks I have to make sure it doesn't hurt anymore and that my gum has healed from the excessive bleeding during the drilling. When things go well, I will have to see the dentist again to get a permanent filling on it. I am trying my best not to bite anymore hard food and brushing my teeth more times in a day.... I really dun want to have that expensive root canal treatment. 1k plus is too much of a blast to my savings.

Learnt my lesson. No more hard food ..... More brushing.

Still upset

2008-12-26T01:22:00.003+08:00

More of angry I guess...

Beginning to feel irritated by everything u do. EVERYTHING.

Totally the way u are now is different the way before.
Totally the way u do now is different the way before.

So u see, u feel better with someone else and with other ppl and not with me right?

So I made a correct decision for u isnt it?
You shld be happy for it. And I think you are really happy.

Good for u.

Awkward

2008-12-20T18:54:00.002+08:00

I will try to ...
have no expectations from you anymore.

So I will never feel sad and disappointed.

I will try not to see ...
what you have done for the others.

So I will never feel unappreciated by the likes of you.

I will try to ...
Not feel a single thing.

So I will never have any expectations from you.

So the cycle begins.

Bus Door

2008-12-15T23:00:00.003+08:00

Haha first time in my life again to have such 'intimate' experience with the bus door.....

On my way home on the normal crowded bus.... I guess the driver either not careful or couldnt see that I am still getting off.... and it's like almost right after a lady got down and the door started closing and half of my feet already out... luckily I managed to pull myself back with my hands pushing back against the doors and with only slight pain to my feet. I am surprised at how subconsciously and automatically I shouted "omg, shit!" with a distorted face. Not too loud i think but everyone ard could hear... so embarrassing....

I have a good Korean drama to recommend <一支梅> aka Ijimae. Good reviews, good production. Very good scenes. And I fell greatly in admiration (erhem... love) with the main actor Lee Jun Ki. Awwww he's so good... totally different from the character he did for the movie The King and the Clown where he looked sooo girly.... But from this show, u will understand the kind of style in this era where it is beautiful to find feminine and masculine features in one being. That is Junki~ Of cos in Jap industry, there are quite a number of amazing ones as well. But korean ones I didnt notice anyone until i see Junki. Awww, he's so different, special~ and not less any manliness :)

People who have taken my recommendation did not regret watching the good show too. If you have time and looking for something to watch, try this then ^^

Infected eyes

2008-12-11T18:09:00.004+08:00

This is the FIRST time in my life that I have infection to my eyes...

It started on Monday... And I didnt notice that my eyes are starting to have weird symptoms... when it seemed to have more discharge on the left eye.... But on tues... when I woke up it was scary... I cant open my eyes until I washed them... and when I opened them, I was horrid to find that I have them all red with meshes of red veins ard the pupils... and all the watery-iness ard the eyelids.... My eyes were burning... I tot maybe I rubbed my eyes too much to cause such redness..... thus abrasion to the cornea.... And went off to meet my anime frens at the chalet...

They were "wah! what happened to ur eyes!" ops~ too obvious... cos basically there is no more eye-white to be seen.... imagine red and black eyes... how scary. like vampire eyes changed to red when they began to yearn for blood. urgh... anyway now I am applying antiseptic eyedrops and they are recovering now~~ yay!! here's a quick doodle/illustration of it :p

New graphic thumbnail

2008-12-07T05:34:00.004+08:00

After watching Korean drama 一支梅 and fell in 'love' with actor Lee Jun Ki, I went to look at his photoshoots and hence I am inspired or encouraged to do another graphic 'poster' that I planned to do during May...hahaha yea.... hmm this time not so much as a graphic thingy but more towards studio shooting kind of style.... haha of cos with some photoshoping processing. Enjoy~ (yay another new msn pic for myself)

Holidays (!=) holidays

2008-11-26T11:13:00.002+08:00

After my thesis prep submission and crit yesterday.... I felt depressed, really depressed.... think I done so badly that..... my tutor was pretty fixed up and frustrated trying to help hahaha....

graphite prize ceremony was memorable. Thanks to my anime frens for shouting my name while i got on stage haaha~ so paiseh and I got so nervous and cold.... Some photos are up at facebook forom WY~ thanks for being the photographer~ I will post mine soon... but i dun have much leh.. anyway, the prizes are pretty good~ i love the artbooks from Imaginary Friends Studios. They are juz soooooo pro.

The artworks of participants and winners are uploaded into deviant art at:
http://graphite2008.deviantart.com/

^^

Right, Holidays are starting but I have no hols... I am still having studio sessions every week. T__T

I dun believe in Love

2008-11-17T08:02:00.003+08:00

I had been watching animes/dramas such as Nodame Cantabile and It started with a Kiss: Season 2..... and all the lovey things.... the more they are happy the more I felt hurt somewhere in me. I feel that all these things are juz fairy tales and in real life they can never ever happen. Suddenly I cant imagine how they are feeling and I do not know how it is like to feel happiness and fortunate. I totally cant relate to these shows anymore. I feel more disbelieved and discouraged and a little bit of disgusted....

Unless someone really like them appear then I will say i will believe in love.

Gd news! Graphite 08

2008-11-16T04:59:00.004+08:00

I've received an email from Graphite 08. :P good news~~~
hehe I am glad~~~ so the exhibition and prize ceremony are held with Anime Festival Asia 08. I will have to go~~ here are the details.

Venue: Suntec Halls 403-404
Date: 22nd November
Time: 4.30pm

For details about AFA, visit http://www.afa08.com

Juz cant

2008-11-13T21:34:00.003+08:00

i juz feel i still have the fear.

it makes me feel that in the end, I am not one who can take up the commitment for feelings. Or maybe in the end, I really dun have any feelings for that. everything is mistake maybe...

i am such hopeless case in this. I dun even dare to think a Mr Right will happen one day. All my beliefs are deemed so naive and childish to me now. All i have now is back to those anime plots where anything nice can happen. i wish i live in that world. so much idealistic....

MIAing

2008-11-08T21:28:00.002+08:00

yes yes I know I have been MIAing... cos too much work .....

thesis, freelance, etc etc... and I'm struggling.

During this period of time many things have happened and many thoughts have been running in my head and i am back to the nocturnal timing.

Firstly, I've decided that I am not suitable to be anyone's partner at this period of time. Or rather both not suitable... and timings are always wrong and I find that I am struggling and suffocating in trying... so for everyone's sake and fairness, it will be better for us to remain as friends, at least no feelings will be hurt and more room for forgiving. No more expectations will also mean no more unpleasantness. So maybe things will be better that way.

Secondly, I've been yearning to go overseas such as Japan to work.... But I guess that is still daydreaming... but as "The Fool", I'm always very serious in my daydreaming...

Thirdly, I've been engrossing in animes.... and mangas.... they are my drugs or ecstasy pills. shucks how to spell... anyway. I'm "drugged" in that sense but I feel happy then... and when back to reality it's so painful. I am rebelling the reality. I am rebelling it in my mind and in the things I am doing... i think in the end I will end up hurt.

Last sat (or issit last last sat), I went to watch an animation film "Freedom Project" organised by Animation Nation at Fusionpolis with my alumni anime frens. The movie is damn nice. I love the effects and the opening song until they stuck in my head for several days. But the thing that disturb me is that the lead character guy looks like a client of mine.... it makes me very pissed, cos reminded me of the mannerism. ha ha ha~

ok back to work again.... haiz.....I feel like I am sleeping 24/7....

happy anime and shutter bug!

2008-10-13T18:57:00.005+08:00

I have been watching animes on TV every wed to fri 11-12midnight on Arts Central for months already. And a few of them have ended and new series came!! Two new ones and they are interesting and worth watching. Kept me very happy after midnight~ They are namely, Toradora and Skip Beat!. Nice Nice!!! I went to read up some of Skip Beat! manga online and it stirred up my long lost interest in buying and reading manga books. of cos reality refrains me from spending anymore money on them.

Juz yesterday... finally.... I began to play with the EOS camera. And I began to get addicted to it, kept wanting to snap at anything everything i can find ard my house..... hahaha and i love the shutter sound when it shot a picture. shutter shutter shutter! snap snap snap!

omg, i muz have gone crazy.... let me show u want i took....

Flowers that mum planted.... frangipani and orchids...

Scenery from my living room... Can see the Taus aka shipyard faraway at horizon...

My lovely neighbourhood and temple :) The sun is setting, casting orange rays~

Alot of construction going on at my left side.... I cant see the clementi stadium/track anymore becos of this upcoming condo built by Laud Architects.

hehe that's all~ will try more interesting photos in future. ^^

Updates to blog

2008-10-07T02:52:00.002+08:00

Finally after 1 year, I get to do some changes that I had wanted to. Things are more organised and more updated now. I've even added my 'resume' aka CV to my Profile. There are still lots more stuff to add. My artworks, crafts, photos, recommendations etc etc. So excited.

I would like to thank my friend Xenorealm for helping me integrating some javascript here.

Now, back to my thesis project. I think the beginning stage now is very rough... we are trying to propose interesting or sensible project. And it's very saddening how your ideas are 'taken' and used in a much better clearer sense by others than urself.

Credits

2008-10-05T22:41:00.001+08:00

I know this post is delayed but I must post this.
There are many important people to thanks for helping out with my dissertation.

I must thank Ed, Sel and Yock for helping me in the simulations and proof readings. Thanks alot alot! Without u guys, I think i wont be able to complete it.

Thanks for standing by me when I desperately needed help. thank you! ^^

Graphite Completed!!

2008-09-21T18:44:00.002+08:00

YESH, I have juz finished my manga artwork for graphite competition this evening like ard 1 and half an hour ago... yea very happy. but have to do the submission stuff and description etc. Shall do those later in the week. Submission is this sun.

I took up a freelance job, haiz another thing to rush

Thesis proposal still needs to rethink.... haiz busy busy

MAF celebration at office!

2008-09-13T09:57:00.003+08:00

My internship office called their ex-intern students back for the mid-autumn game that it part of 'tradition' of this company, where 2 sets of dice go ard the table. Smallest prize is when u get a one 4, followed by two 4s, three 4s, 1 of a kind (four same digit), then consequence (1,2,3,4,5,6) and finally the grand prize of (at least four 4s or people who can get bigger than u with five same digits or six same digits).

haha i got the grand prize for the first set of gift, which is a huge mooncake. but had no more luck in other sets of gifts. I think we have 4 themes of gifts. First set is mooncakes, 2nd is taka stuff, 3rd is Muji, etc... cant remember now haha. I got a consquence dice-throw and got this set of 4-ppl cutlery from Sheffield (juz nice for my family but I wanted the Choc Fondue set!!). Then I had a 1 of a kind dice-throw and got a small MonoLogue sketchbook (yay). Others are smaller prizes with some muji and snacks. This year I didnt get as much small-medium prizes. But the process is fun la~~

ok back to work

FInal Dissertation Submission

2008-09-11T11:30:00.003+08:00

We have a cute short name for 'dissertation': dissy

hahaha... it's the period of MIA again.... I left 6 days to finish my paper when I juz got my draft on Monday.... It is so disastrous..... alot of reorganisation, redoing and bla bla... cos tutor suggest I scrap my FOCUS of the paper.. woot... ok.... fret not, I'll change the entire navigation of ALL the chapters..... argh.. the amount of changes. But at least my contents are not all wasted... However I have to move them to appendices and do up new content for the main body.... AHHH!

haha.... so.... will be MIA til 18th sept....

Well at least on Monday I channelled my focus on my graphite for the day.... and it's almost 80% done. Very happy.... so I wont have anything at the back of my mind while doing my dissertation now. :)

FUNNY "YOLK"!!!

2008-09-04T17:55:00.002+08:00

15 minutes ago, I was reading stuff when suddenly mum came running to me and showed me something really unexplainable.....

She said she cracked an egg, not only there are 2 yolks inside, there is a THIRD THING! And she scooped it out of the shell for me to poke at it with my fingers......

It is like a little balloon with white skin.... it has rough texture, like some fruit skin with little bumps.... there is this head and tail thingy like that of a fruit too..... what is this weird thing? any biologist out there to explain? My guess is... it is a third yolk.... trying to form a chick but got mutated..... i know having a third yolk in an egg is pretty rare already.... hmmm.... tell me if u have any idea....

Butt hurts

2008-09-03T18:28:00.002+08:00

I juz finished watching the available Naruto mangas until the latest on Youtube. ok no more incentives then. And my butt hurts.

Well this is a good break/reward for me after the submission of thesis proposals. Now 2 current tasks at hand to work on.... dissertation and graphite. ok la i will take a break first.

On ur own

2008-08-31T12:53:00.002+08:00

I think one cannot expect any ideals.... I am saying that cos almost all ideals, beliefs and expectations are seemingly out of reach for me.... as i realised.

This set a disappointment environment but I am not going to sink too much in it.

I realised that at the end alot of things I have to be independent still. I must remember who I am, what i do and how i handle in the past. Otherwise, I think i will fall and get hurt myself. Think i still have to depend on myself alot, really.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am currently thinking of wat thesis topic I want to do for my final year design but there is like alot of headache and doubt and hesitation etc. I was pretty worried until last night I have a dream abt it. I had alot of dreams.... cant remember alot of them. But the latest one was related to my thesis topics... I woke up and jot them down... in the end, they are not what I want either. haha~~ oh well....

Sleep early, wake up early

2008-08-29T08:36:00.002+08:00

For the past 2 days, I had been sleeping early thus waking up early.... i think becos Wed was a long day in school.... until i buay tahan and dozed off at 11pm.... argh and sadly missed all my animes..... Wed animes are the most interesting ones k....

Yesterday Jov flew back to Japan.... Me and ed chatted on our way back from changi but I was pretty sleepy to talk coherently~ After he left at city hall station, I slept all the way to clementi. Heng I didnt overshoot my station. It's like 11 plus pm but there's still many ppl ard in mrt trains... wah....

The cold night makes me feel like I aint in Singapore.... some kind of Autumn season.... cold wind, little sun.... and how i wanna snug in bed....

ok tonight's last episode for 9pm chinese drama series on ch 8 muz not be missed. :)

interaction

2008-08-28T13:23:00.003+08:00

many many things need 2 hands to clap

communication, talking, discussing.....

in any kind of situations, there is no beneficial or productive conversations for good memories and feelings if one was juz talking and the other is not reactive. yesterday's thesis presentation by a tutor made so much sense in relating the discussion between tutor and student with that of couples in dating. it's so true. otherwise, nothing good is going to come out of it.

so, we have to talk. talk. talk. with substance of cos. they are telling students not to be afraid of talking to tutors.... but in other scenarios with different roles, i dunno.

Things fade with time. How to sustain?

Even sustainability of building and urban spaces are so vague and it's juz a bust word.

New Laptop

2008-08-27T19:24:00.002+08:00

yay! Got my new laptop Thinkpad T400 on Monday. Been fiddling with it by installing some widgets etc... and playing with the games that came with Windows. Graphics really really not bad. I love them :D

Right now i cant install some programs which is essential to my work.... argh...got compatibility issues.... how how~

though its monitor is 14 inch, the screen dimensions are different from the previous 14".... it's now wider and shorter. or maybe it's just the thicker border around the monitor.

Argh I am still back to my nocturnal timing.... i am falling asleep now but hopefully can tahan until night.... well i do admit playing with the widgets and microsoft games til 5am....while my hair was abit wet.

Start of sch and I have so many work here and there, it's irritating.

Post submission~~

2008-08-24T18:35:00.003+08:00

It's still only a draft paper, there's final one later in 3 weeks time, but we took alittle break now.

The last 2-3 days before submission was hell. I was like 2 days with only 2 hrs of sleeping.... working like mad.... or crying while working. cos u realised it was a mess of crap.

And after submitting, I was struggling to keep awake in school with some archi frens before we set off to changi to send jy off to Holland. I slept in wj's car soundly all the way. It's damn amusing cos when we set off from sch, it's like 6 plus pm when the sun is up. By the time I woke up, the sky was like so dark. I felt as though we travelled very long to somewhere far... haha

I managed to woke up next morning to meet up with the sixoneders for lunch at suntec. Another enjoyable outing, though we only stayed at the restaurant. ahaha~ I was so chirpy and happy... we had large turnout too. alot of ppl changed hairstyle.... or has different one in some ways or another... venki hair is longer cos haven cut.... jovie rebonded her hair before flying off to japan, wemin has longer but better hair-look after returning from US. haha he was constantly praised for his hair thruout the lunch lol. n me, my hair no longer rebonded. it's getting longer, thicker n messier.... eeek.

after tat i went orchard to repair my hp n shopped in taka. happy with wat i bought but my left feet hurt like hell.... shucks the injury is not going any better....:(

so who has the photos!! send send!

DANGER DANGER

2008-08-14T12:10:00.004+08:00

Archi students are now panicking and rushing their dissertations. And so, I am pretty MIA.... admist of printing my stuff, though very sleepy and busy, I decided to draw something that juz came up in my mind..... I feel like a big fat sleepy bird hanging on thin branch.... like it's gonna break soon.....

I left 9 days to finish up my dissertation. HELP!!!!!!!!!! Macross Frontier on emergency state! All residents please proceed to nearest shelter. Our fleet is on level 2 Battle Mode!! Danger danger!!

*chirp~*

No to Surrender

2008-08-10T00:31:00.002+08:00

I destroyed it.....

Juz when my bio clock is turning back to appropriate timings, I destroyed the timing.... right after yesterday when i saw my tutor. I slept whole of afternoon then.... night time was the time I awoke from the unrestless sleep. I have to face all these depressing stuff again.... work wise or ppl wise....

My eyes are abit sore...
tears are already my close frens who accompanied me when no one else does. So they arent strangers to me when i said hello to them after months. And I stared at the words on my readings, and I cant see them properly as visions got blurrer. I forgot what I did but I only slept at 8am..... and afternoon I slept it all away......

But... despite disappointment and depressed, I should not give up and surrender.

Now whenever tears wanna well up, i felt some kind of pain coming right from the back of the eyes where the nerves are.... ok, my eyes are sore and also sore from the lack of proper sleep.

So mustnt mustnt let myself and my body down. I will pull through, as long as no more external factors aggravate me.

Tears and more heart pain

2008-08-08T23:00:00.002+08:00

I went to school to meet my tutor today.....

And he said, "you left 2 weeks, u know. 2 weeks, how are you going to complete your dissertation like this.... it's too late now, if you have not read up on this this this...."

"and you really need to restructure your dissertation"..... " your focus have to carry through all chapters".... "it's already tedious for me to read up to chapt2..."

blah blah blah....

i'm doomed.

I came home.... I feel very depressed to start working on it cos I simply dunno how.... I went to sleep... until 9pm..... I dun even want to eat anything.... my heart and head felt heavy....

Now... my tears juz kept running....

Oh my god, I dun wish to turn mad like how this character that Fann Wong acted out in this 9pm drama series. cos many times i was like that.... or felt like doing that but I tried to hold back... if one day I burst out.... think I may go hospital le.... but choy! no never....

....

2008-08-08T01:23:00.002+08:00

for some reasons tears welled up in my eyes....

as i began searching for food in the kitchen....

yes i know it's 1 plus am now....

last time when ppl used to think one tends to eat alot alot when they are sad or depressed? I never believed i would do that. but now i am doing it.....

i really hoped from this half of the years to the next, i wont have to bear anymore sadness n tears le... enuff is enuff...

finally i getting sleepiness at 1 plus or 2 plus am.... yay~
maybe cos i am mentally tired, bored, sian or watever.
Hope this dissertation will be done completely soon.....

Tired

2008-08-07T16:03:00.003+08:00

These days been working like an owl... day = zzz, night = work.

Yesterday after handing in my uncomplete juz for tutor to check, i kinda took a break and work on my manga stuff.... but i can feel the drowsiness since midnight. so amazingly i finally get to zzz at 3am fast :) but i got up at 2pm today.... and even til now i can still feel drowsiness... as if the 11 hours of sleep does not help..... and whenever i zzz, every single moment i was having dreams. i think that's y no matter how i sleep, i wont get enuff....

Why i have so much dreams recently? even when i am really tired to sleep off fast? argh brain too active? 24 hours tired...... but all these dreams are damn fantasy... like drama series kind... still show background, process and emotions and personalities of the characters.....

Feet pain+money

2008-08-06T18:36:00.002+08:00

Today I did alot alot of things... like all outdoor things i have to settled are packed in this one day. Here goes....

3pm, went to Department of Archi to print my super uncomplete dissertation draft to hand in to my tutor.

After handing in and listening to him talking to Hon abt her dissertation, both of us had a chat at lobby.

After that, went to YIH to hand in Giro form, then the IT Co-op to order laptop. (yea finally gave up my desire of buying HP Pavilion ones...)

Then went to central lib to borrow books.

Went to clementi Sing Post to collect something.

AND MY INJURED FEET HURTS AGAIN!!!!!!!!! I dun wan to rely on painkillers for months n months!

Anyway I concluded that I really have to spend money again... Few things to buy or on the way liao.

1. Toiletries/ beauty products: Hair mist spray, Bodyshop Tea tree blemish oil, Bodyshop facial scrub

2. School Needs: smaller waterbottle, laptop (on order le!)

If all add together..... $46 + $2107 (laptop)..... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sure got many other things la.... haiz....

Cats

2008-08-04T18:14:00.005+08:00

Thank to Uncle andrew for telling me such cat animations are ard in Youtube - Simon's Cat. Damn cute. I hope the artist makes more of these soon.

Sometimes I feel like a cat... The kind that 'sa jiao' when it needs food (attention) and sometimes want to be alone... and it gives the 'hmpf' snobbish look! aww so cute and fluffy. anyway enjoy!
(ps: turn off my blog music by clicking the red CROSS button on ur Int.Explorer menu bar before watching the show~)

Wavering thoughts

2008-08-02T18:26:00.004+08:00

Maybe it is not suitable
Maybe something is lost
Maybe it is taken for granted
Maybe there is no effort put in
Maybe u think it wasnt important
Maybe I am not getting much
Maybe everything was kept silent
Maybe too silent
Maybe not meant to be
Maybe it is not right
Maybe you are not trying
Maybe you are juz ignorant
Maybe there are better things out there
Maybe it is juz trying
Maybe the trying is juz not enuff
Maybe .....

Or maybe I should stop thinking abt it

Sleepless nights
and
Endless work

Why issit so different from everyone else?

I think I need to transform all the wavering worrisome thoughts into forces of energy for mindless typing on my dissertation

Resentment

2008-08-02T04:52:00.005+08:00

"There is nothing good nor bad. It is the mind that does it so...." I saw this quote from a animation trailer for the game Final Fantasy 13. Beautiful animation, awesome graphics. Something so heavenly as such kind of fine artistic masterpiece created, is always something yearned for in life.

As i mentioned that a person is not a dichotomy of devil or angel, i think that it depends on the particular duration or point of time in what kind of situation. as long as we have the resilience to maintain soberness and sanity from time to time, we are still fine..... the past 1-2 years i was very much clamped by the vice of resentment, sending me to the temptation of stepping into the devil's door.... and there are so many other little things that blinded my foresight and wisdom and good being... i hate it i HATE IT. but there are really some ppl who are so evil that i cant tolerate longer and they shld be treated devilishly as well...... but in the end the root of sanity refrain one from doing so... and in the end the victim and the most hurt is myself...

Resentment

I hated the airs around her or how she flawlessly put on airs that captures not only attention but also the hearts. And how she ignores those that she cant be bothered with or seemed harmless to her, cos those were never be able to match her as opponents. The worst is when one is no longer useful or important as compared to others, one's existence is under her feet. And so the rest steps on him/her too.

I hate the way she grins, giggles, laughs and no one blames her for anything. To them it is damn sweet and cheerful. Somehow those in love with her can be so polite and sweet to her and her frens and yet at the same time being cruel and callous to those who are the 'losers'. Whatever she does is always likeable and sweet. Whatever 'she' does is always wrong and an ugly sight to their eyes. Whatever she does is good and watever 'she' does is slow and lousy.

I hate the way some ppl like to compare callously... without giving respect, even to the extent of mocking. When the losers never wanted to compare and try their best, some ppl prefer to make comparison. And wasnt done politely.

I hate the way u portray the unfair and uneven treatment of this society that is due to backgrd, status, networking and social cycle, even to the extent of the accent. You have taught us somehow that this society is so superficial and that losers are to be sentenced to ostracisation. You and your innocent smiles are nothing but posion to us.

Sorry, the whole thing juz keep piercing like crazy. thanks for still smiling at me. but at those moments they are nothing but poison when one's existence is totally smeared as dust in thin air. It is never ever be forgiven but at least the pain can be forgotten and faded away when time passed. And the same applies to those who had sucked up to her and at the sacrifice of the others.

Resentment

She, Her, Me, I, Them, They, Self and Selves.

Painkillers

2008-08-01T00:02:00.002+08:00

I learnt my lesson on trying not to be too smart....

recently went for Medical check-up as required for the incoming students. I told the doc about the feet thing.... more than 2 mths and it is still painful. Last time when i visited polyclinic and the doctor gave me painkillers but i didnt take them, thinking they are juz numbing the nerves, not solving the root of problems. Now this doc told me actually those painkillers are to subside the internal swelling which u can see from outside.

Oops.... i should have taken those pills 2 mths ago la! i dunno but after i took them for the 1st and 2nd day i felt better..... maybe it is all in my thinking. but today i began to feel some sourness again.... haiz i hope i can get it recover soon..... Oh this doc told me swimming is the best exercising sport.... hahaha but then.... hair will get damage!!! :p

Beach ball babes

2008-07-22T21:30:00.002+08:00

9pm channel 8 is showing this drama series of volleyball games and mixed with some emotional affair issues.....

The male lead is Chirstopher Lee and the 2 other gals who are very close frens since young until now and they play volleyball together.... juz name them A and B. And name Chirstopher (Tianwu in show) as C. So A likes C but C likes B. B knows her buddy A likes him so she is super insistent in not liking him so A can have him. But the thing is... the guy is pretty heartless towards A. I have no issues against guys being nice to gf and not so nice and intimate with other gals. But here he was VERY MEAN. in the sense that he can use money to make 'deal' with A so as to convince B that she dun like him so that B can accept his love. He used methods to gain what he wants FAST.

Then again at the start, when the guy had a gf earlier, he was super nice to A. I think he is too nice to everyone la... went to such extent to help A when she had problems so much so that she was touched and tot he has good feelings for her. But then to him, she is juz a fren.... haiz.... too nice oso not good... so some ppl say nice guys are JERKs. He dumped his previous gf when she became too clingy on him and get jealousy easily whenever he tokked to other gals. so jealous until she threatend the gals not to look for him. After he knew abt it, he dumped her and dun like to have gals love him too much until clingy. ok, i understand the gal is wrong, but his method of dumping her is abit heartless oso. watever it is the character is so evil. yucks.

Fear~

2008-07-19T13:58:00.002+08:00

Last time I love to check my sch email.... i checked it very often, everyday. And I like to be well-informed with the latest news since the dept has alot of impt emails for us...... yes, including cock ups one as well. but at least alot of things going on and so good to know asap....

However now.... I am scared to check...... I dun want to but I have to..... cos of the dissertation and sch restarting soon. Everytime I check now I pray that there are no new incoming emails. If there are, I hope they are juz crappy ones..... cos right now we are doing dissertation, and I am completely messing it up, I am so scared that my supervisior would suddenly appear and email us to see us and what we have done so far. I dun have the courage. And all the more I am unwilling to go to sch or go here and there for the matriculation or etc etc. The feeling of going back to school is ...... haiz..... since I have work to do, I dun wish to go sch unnecessarily.

darn I havent do my check-up for the matriculation entries.

and since I always woke up in afternoons, i feel the day pass by very fast. I feel more and more bek cek (frustrated). I feel like clawing and biting people liao. *roars*

Happy Moments~ then a nightmare

2008-07-16T21:08:00.003+08:00

hmm shall start with last saturday. Met up with bf and his frens. Haha his frens are totally funny, really reminded me of my sixoneders. So am pretty comfortable with them, not too much awkwardness etc.

The next day I went for Anime chalet, and these anime ppl are cute...funny and entertaining.... the best thing is I get to play mahjong!! Finally after 2 years. And for bbq i get to eat 4 types of potatoes.... potato chips, potato salad, potato (bbqed) and harshbrown..... argh.... at night we played RPG card game all the way to the next morning (Mon) ..... when i got home i got a nap and then went to meet with the archi ppl for their grad dinner. Awww wish I am the one already graduating with masters.....1 more year sia.

Yesterday, I went out for a movie for our 2 mth anniversary hehe~~~ Red Cliff is quite amazing with their cinematograhy.... and how they fight wars.... but alamak still have to wait for part 2. I really enjoyed the rides home with him to accompany me but I know i cannot always let him do that even if he wants... cos he lived pretty far.... but really thanks~~ *muacks*

Just now I had a 'nightmare'. Juz becos of a few words, someone shouted at me. but I kept quiet. he went on to shout at other ppl. but thanks to them things died down after a while and credits given to sis. He also apologised to me..... but anyway i know such things will be very very very common soon.... I really wish that I will get a new laptop soon and stay in school as much as possible....

Human

2008-07-09T19:07:00.002+08:00

A normal Human/Man
is not about the dichotomy of being an angel or devil

Mutable thoughts and feelings
from experiences
Either enlighten or exacerbate
the Man's understanding

A normal Human/Man
Has the natural resilience
to overcome obstacles
Unless Himself decides to
Enmesh himself into an abyss
Of darkness

His own vise
He is his own devil
As well as
He is his own angel
Filthy sloth of the Fool
To mutate and hide the string
Of resilience

Duality

2008-07-07T17:53:00.002+08:00

Remember I quoted a chinese saying that one grp of ppl can treat u like treasure, the other grp can treat u like grass (meaning shit)?

Like my sixoneders, as yock said, we are beyond family members.... we dun judge one another, more like very much accepting n sensible... I can be sane n be more of who i really am with them. chatty, teh-ing, sa jiao-ing, childish, stupid at times.... They value me as much as i value them. They RESPECT me as much as i respect them. And I know we cant expect everyone around to be like them.

On the other hand, some ppl really.....haiz, some cant be bothered to talk more than 2 sentences. cant be bothered to share news and cant be bothered to explain things. I dunno what exactly I did to deserve that. But maybe it's juz them. Anyway many ppl already adviced me I shouldnt put that kinda thing to heart and shouldnt let these to affect my mood. Not easy but I will make that as my resolution :) Like this PK guy from Xing Guang 3, recently he said that no one can please everyone. Just be yourself.

Yea manz, we should learn to reflect ourselves. I do reflect and I know I treat my frens the same. I do not do evil things like backstabbing, stealing, killing. I have my conscience and I at least respect myself. Since some ppl not willing to regard, respect or treat me as a proper fren, then I will also try not to cross their paths. No point disturbing others cos when u only just want to say hi and wen4 hou4, they can feel that your are disturbing them and they feel it is a waste of time to reply, or too tired and unwilling to reply. Why bother them then?

Weather is becoming chilly.... as the sun sets.... when will i be able to wake up early enough to see the sun freshly risen from the east, casting rays through the windows that encompass our rooms.

Home, Health, Happiness

2008-07-03T15:33:00.002+08:00

I juz had my lunch and after seeing my mum.... I had this urge that I should post something regarding this..... to begin, I would really envy people who are still being so bubbly and happy without much problems at home.... or rather, they can still be bubbly and happy even if there are things bothering them. That is something commendable.

However, I felt that since university, I have been losing that side of me... the happy crappy person that jokes ard.... not as if I have a bubbly happy childhood anyway... but then I was happy enuff. Many ppl say I am relatively serious n sometimes 'self-focussed'. I was surprised but I can see why. self focus.... how to be not to when so many things are running behind my mind that I have to tackle with. who would actually understand....

It has been ard 10 years.... when economy crisis happened and when my mum started to have problem with her eye and caused her impossible to continue her job as seamstress for extra income, we really had a big hit... things juz going downhill.... For the subsequent years or every few years, she would still have problems to her eye.... seeing doctor almost every now and then, eating a pile of medicine... and having operations one after another every few years.... first was to drain some liquid from her eyeball.... then one was to insert a metal plate into the eyeball.... one to open a hole on top to drain liquid, one was due to infection that the healed portion has to be cut again. It is endless and the problem is always NOT SOLVED.... why.... And once was my first time visiting her after her op.... I suddenly astonished at her frail look and I was so scared that all I could do was to stand there helplessly.... doing nothing.... Recently I had a friend whose mum juz had her op for some reason. I can understand those pain and what everyone in the family have to go thru. I sincerely hope that was the end of her problem.... problems that not solved just keep haunting the patient... it's painful, tiring and more sadness. mum is the case...

For all these years I have been spending almost everyday in school or working, such as internship, so I was seldom at home to hear my mum's groaning. But now since this 1 and 1/2 months, when I am always at home..... and maybe becos I am ard to listen to her, she was groaning and sighing, complaining how 辛苦 she is almost every few minutes . Once she had her shoulder blade bone cracked due to a fall... and pain at her spine/tailbone due to another fall.... Now she have eye pain, back pain, arm pain, knee problems, stomach problems... and.... with so many things haunting her, she was self-focused. u can understand why. It's irritating but we cant do anything abt that self-focused issue which some ppl hate it. Mum always have alot of household chores to do more than other housewives we know... why? she has this thing in her that she wants to do this do that, n of cos she has her beloved plants to care abt.... but as the years go by, she realised she cant have her usual routinue and it tires her badly. Finally now she accepted that she cant handle any more... People said old ppl sleep less. But mum is different. She was always tired out that she have naps in the afternoon n evenings....

She was hoping that I would 做大事in future.... and thought that once I grad I would have 4k-5k a month, thus supporting the house more. But I told her once I grad, I only have ard 3k and that is for big firms and 做大事 is not a very soon thing cos not as if I am some genius or super excellent archi student and to be QP i need another 2 years at LEAST.... Hearing all these, she was angry and upset. I was pressurised too..... I believed I have mentioned before many years ago to some ppl that I study with a burden..... the responsibility in fact. She wants to see me accomplished in my career but this is not something to be achieved in 1 or 2 years..... it seems so.... impossible.... she wanna at least a taste of 享福.

Yea u guys know I wanna have a car.... some of u jokingly said I am materialistic. haha. yes partly I WANT it cos I hate walking alot...but my mum NEEDS it. I cant bear to see her climbing those overhead bridge. My normal pace is like twice of hers in speed. And becos she has to see doc here and there, walking for her is difficult.... I want a vehicle.... (pls, not bicycle can, everyone can fall off). Everytime she whined abt her knees and about having to walk long distance to get to the central area to take bus, I have the urge of getting a car. Cant u see car to us is a need, not a want here. But how on earth am I going to earn within 1 or 2 years to get a car... it's impossible again.

Health is so impt.... yet I am not doing a gd job abt myself. whenever i have problems, mum, despite her problems, would care for me and the others... but of cos that added more to her groaning, whining... More sad and sick to hear. when can this stop.... with all these thing and problems in mind. we are all mentally tired. and of cos, everyone will be naturally self-focused. But of cos we detach ourselves from the problems once a while. mum does abit by watching tv. For me, I watch variety shows and animes. That is the only time I have no stress. So now do u understand partly why I love tv, shows and animes?

Sorry I have been serious.... that's the way I am. I cant be tat happy like some ppl. Sorry but I am trying my best not to show and affect others ard me. Why cant ppl accept others the way they are to certain extent....

Dreams 2

2008-07-02T14:52:00.003+08:00

Oh manz.... more fabulous dreams. I think I can go and write/propose stories for the marvel comics or something....

I dreamt I was flying some aircraft, chased by an enemy aircraft, struggling back to the base. Finally I reached it, I ran inside this big block of building.... block as in like a big cube of structure, glass and has double door for security. And so we ran into the base in time so as to lock out from the enemies. Somehow I became the 'wizard' person that controlled this building. I was chanting some alien language that caused irritation and headache to the enemies as they struggled to cover up their ears. And I could even say some codes to make the building transform abit by making some extra protection structure to cover the glass building. wa wa wa....

Next dream I was in Japan!!! Shopping like crazy for jap snacks and guess wat's more.... I was shopping for my architectural model-making materials... like wood strips and the plastic strips.... cos they are sold in Japan cheaper than in sg.... I know i learnt this from my internship colleagues... but I was telling this to my fren who also came to Japan in the dreams!!!!!! ARRGHHH!!!! archi-torture ahhahaha...... anyway... interesting dreams but they kept me all the way to 2pm.... that's bad.... i need to wake up earlier to do work!

Alcohol --> Diarrhoea

2008-07-01T02:55:00.003+08:00

Friday..... I went to see Sinseh at a famous chinese medical centre at Cambridge Rd..... Mum and I got abit lost when the &*^*(^*!#%& bus driver didnt drop us at the right bus stop.... And guess who i saw in the shop!! Feli~ who accompanied Ad to see sinseh for his back ache. For me, I had my first acupucture of my life... and at first I was freaked out by the electric thingy that was going to send some electric pulse to my ankle. haha cute to see my feet twitched from side to side to the rhythm/force of the pulse.

Later went to Ying house to collect my Victoria Secret dress!! hehe~ But this has turned out to become a drinking session as Ying wanna open her sparkling white wine before she went to club. So a few of us dabao dinner and go to her house to 'party'.... haha we had the sparkling white wine 'Pink', then a normal white wine..... den red wine..... by then i already seeing stars... and the rest continued to have shouju shots!!! wa they damn power. but i cannot take it. The symptoms of me unable to stand and walk due to the giddiness and stars, plus stomache appeared again.... We rest abit at nearby hawker centre for lemon tea drink. Soon I recovered!!! hehe and off we went home..... but after that during midnight or 1 plus am, I was in the toilet having diarrhoea. same same situation like last time in office.

argh poor liver.... poor feet.... poor brain as well hahaha~~ i am so lousy....

Dreams

2008-06-26T15:35:00.006+08:00

:: Graphics by DryIcon [ http://dryicons.com] ::

Recently no matter what time I sleep, I was only awake by 2 or 3 in the afternoon next day. Many times woke up at 11am or 12 noon, but somehow dreams capture my mind and body and off to sleep again....

Recently having many clippings of dreams happing in each single night.... There are many interesting ones but i did not write down here and the next day I have forgotten, overwritten by new dreams. This time before I forget, I shall share my dreams that I juz had last night to this morning (erhem* early noon as well...)

I dreamt that I was trying to practice motorcycling at my neighbourhood.... u guys should have known i have painstakingly learnt cycling in 2006 before going to Sweden and during Sweden days.... I do not know why it is motobiking here in my dreamscape but I know motorbikes are pretty cool (still, i prefer having a car ahaha). In my dreams, I was rushing to go for class... somewhere near the place I had primary sch tuition few blks away... And my childhood fren was downstairs waiting. And he said he's motorbiking over, it's faster. I had this huge motorbike given by someone but I havent use it for some time but hearing my fren, I decided to ride it again. And so I was frantically trying to unlock it and getting the helmet... And I felt sian to wear it cos I had my hair half tied up...... :(

The next moment or next episode I was at home when mom called home from somewhere else to say that she lacked salt. She was cooking at the moment and she needed it now. So I decided to buy salt from some store downstairs, so I got out of house and pushed along my bike (or bicycle?) along the corridors and passed by some neighbour, a lady whom needed to buy salt too). When I got down to the void deck below, I saw the lady coming back and told me she shouldnt have bought it. I decided to buy from her, it costs $4.50. However I have no handphone or money with me, so I assured her that I would pay after I return, and asking her for address... and telling her mine in case she thinks I am going to get away without paying. And also mentioning names of neighbours who are close with us. But i was paiseh to get something without paying first but I was running late... and being frustrated, I woke up and saw the time close to 2 pm.... haiz.... wat is this....

This week I have been missing breakfast and proper lunch due to waking up late.... And maybe cos compared to internship days, I ate less and snacked less, so that's why I lost 2.5 kg.

Southern Ridges

2008-06-23T22:50:00.010+08:00

Saturday some of us sixoneders: jov, mei, gab and me, and bf (who contributed the 2nd photo) went to climb southern ridges.... luckily we skipped the walk at the front part, that is, from west coast park to hortpark. The day before, newspaper had an article reported that an NUS gal was sexually assualted in Clementi Woods Park at ard 10pm.... realised alot of 'ppl' are actually hidding there..... and it's part of the southern ridges walk.....

I like the timber decking and design of Henderson Waves. Finally something organic, something sculptural, something of art and structure..... to be enjoyed by public in singapore. Pretty successful as it is seen with many ppl crowding ard, jogging ard.... with families bringing children around to play. The bridge captures the sunlight during the evening, casting long shadows behind people, that compliments the running of timber strips to give a perspective depth, like how guitar to the singing voice. Nice.

Impressions

2008-06-18T03:26:00.003+08:00

It is how one can have extreme impressions on different grps of frens/ppl. In mandarin, "some ppl treat u like a treasure; some ppl treat u like grass". U heard before this chinese proverb?

After I saw mich's entry on moleosophy about her, I went to check it out for mine....
(Large) (round) mole: (goodness in people), (need to work hard).
(Front) of (neck): (unexpected good fortune), (sometimes unlucky, others make u fool).
on (wrist): Frugal, ingenious, dependable
(right) (chest): laziness will affect family life. Love to travel, to live in comfort and luxury.

I dunno how true it is, but seems half of it are true now.... looks like i have to work hard.... and hopefully some goodiness befalls me. There's nothing in this world that is free.

Today went for this dinner party organised by SPACE furniture at their Poliform showroom. It is specially for my office, so I went~. Nice food! There's this thai chef who taught us 3 delicious thai dishes at the end of the party. Now i know how to make tom yam soup and more importantly, MANGO GLUTINOUS RICE!!! It's soooooooooo yummy!!! hehehe~

Ge Tais

2008-06-12T19:47:00.002+08:00

For this whole week, my neighbourhood is plunged into an orchestra of different 'music'. Once, it was 5 at a time during the weekend... Liondance/Dragon dance was taking place at the temple, and juz a stone throw away was Chinese Opera, den less than 100m away was a huge tent for Ge Tai for the community centre ppl. At the same time, mum was watching her Liao Zai drama serial on channel 8, den I was trying hard to watch my XingGuang Da Dao aka Taiwanese Singing Compeitition online.... hahahaha wat do u think?

Now the chinese opera troupe is gone but the stage was redecorated for Ge Tai. this time was facing my block cause they wanna use the new pavilions as part of the sitting area, thus they angled towards it. So it was so much nearer to my block and I can get to see the full stage too!! I am lazy to go down to feed mosquitos.....

Realised since young, I havent really went to see a ge tai Live near the stage :( my deprived childhood lol.

Growing Up

2008-06-09T12:36:00.005+08:00

As ppl getting married, finding apartments, etc etc. I suddenly I feel that I have finally come to the stage to meet adult society and also turning one myself. And the terrible thing is how much I fall behind at certain things, and how much I didnt know. About ppl, about myself, about society.

During this past 1 year..... I felt as if I somehow forced to grow up within this period of time. Alot of information rushing to me and I was overwhelmed. I saw how the society is like. How ugly and unfair the world can be, how and where one can stand and should behave. I saw how naive and gullible at things and realised you are betrayed within you knowing until the end. I saw how ppl are smurking or laughing at you secretly behind and it wasnt noticed til the end.... I saw how little I know abt myself, my mind, my heart, my body. I saw how little I know about people when I tot I do. I saw .... I saw.....

I am like having some compressedlearning and training for this 1 whole year. Most of my views and mindset have changed. I saw things turning uglier and uglier. Uglier others, uglier self. But on the other hand, the wonders of man and workings of nature. Too many delicate tasks to handle, whether I am up to it, I already made my first big step. Learning that I would not proceed/advance if I keep insisting on protecting myself against harm from people.

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Last time when I heard sentences like "爱一个人是没有理由的"，"爱不是占有的" etc etc, I tot it is crap or it is impossible. But after going through it and having done them, I believe now that they are true, though sometimes the process hurts like hell and you are simply helpless.

^^ I have changed from a pessimistic cautious person to someone willing to look things in more optimistic view. I am glad about my own change.