NS Chan Studio:: Graphics, Art, Manga, Architecture

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Untitled 2

昨日的噩梦
还未消去。
心中还有觉得自己是一把烂泥。
刚才在电视上听到一句话：
失败不是因为你做不到，
而是失败了而不再勇敢去尝试。

我知道我仍需要一段时间，
慢慢找回那份自信心，
但我失去了那份自豪。
没错，干这门的需要知道
怎么去忍受伤你心的字眼。

谢谢我身旁有朋友聊一聊，
我仍会勇敢去面对。
我是个坚强的人，
因为我没选择。

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Untitled

这个时候，心里非常疼痛。
对自己又气又无助，
心中万分的焦急，失落。

这个时候，快疯了。
很想找个墙把头撞上去。
知道你们会说死解决不了事情，
而且是个自私、逃避的方法。
但如果我还有理智想这些，
我又岂能会疯到想撞墙？
疯了的时候岂能会想那些“理智”？

不能撞墙，也只能在墙上哭喊。
在墙上抓，抓到指甲可能裂开，
但这些无法消去心中的呐喊。
肺与心继续拉疼，
疼倒再一次哭泣。
恨不得找个墙撞一撞。
这个心情不停重复，
直到眼睛闭上，
脑海一片黑暗。

求求你。

Friday, October 28, 2005

New pet

hehe~~ yes i got a pet now!!! It's a kitten!!! or maybe a cat... anyway, to disappoint u all, it is not a real animal~~~ It is a virtual cat~ yup.... i longed to have a cute pet... juz that i have no time to take care of it. so i created a virtual one for myself... hehe~ and i can change the type of my pet whenever i want!! hehe~ the power of an artist~~ ! okok... i shall stop.... Yea, i took a photo with it... haha... it's my msn pic la~ me with sleepy eyes while my cat so genki~~ and keep "nyaing". ok, i think i am super super bored and had went super super mad.... forgive me, it's my submission period... so....... i need some animal or some ppl or something to keep me happy... lol

haiz.... had been getting all the archi nightmare dreams again... actually very often throughout the hols until now... oh man.... the second latest one was about archi project mixed with game stuff like the final fantasy-like stuff.... hmm.... den the latest one was about archi stuff related to Art Friend Shop.... wah kaoz.... these were really.... amusing....

haiz~~ sat tml still got to see tutor in sch..... *shake head*..... haiz..... haiz.... haiz........ no time already.... how how how how how!

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[鸟语悲曲]

我有一只鸟，
它也是我的朋友，
从小到大它一直陪着我，
每次都耐性地听我的心声。
我也有福气听它清晰的歌声。
我们的友情已过了数多年。

有一天，它望着天空，
然后深深的望着我。
瞧它那明亮的眼珠，
充满期待与兴奋。
我明白。
我硬藏着内心的酸痛，
把它轻轻地放在手心。

我细细低声对它说：
谢谢你这些年来一直陪着我，
现在你想飞。。。你也知道，
虽然很想你留下，
但我是不会硬把朋友拉住。

你选择离开，我也会慢慢走开。
但若有一天你回来，
这里的鸟屋永远打开，
等待这么一天的到来。

它终究飞走了，
我也打扫了院子。
望了鸟屋一下，
然后把院子锁上，
离开。

如果我的离开，
可以减轻你的负担。。。

那天的天气依然很清凉，
阳光四射，没有半朵乌云。
但却有几滴水
落到地上的落叶。

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hmm~ seriously i think i should start brushing up my chinese and write a collection of short stories~~ :D I really enjoy it~ best thing is each of the stories have drawn pictures to go with them. Den compile all of them into a book.... a heartwarming book :)

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Taxi Phobia

I hate it when taxi got into wrong way and sent me round about.... becos time is lost and frustration occurs.... and the worse is, i hate it more when i myself dunno the directions to give....

First major situation happened last year this sem on the day of submission and I oso had to rush for a USP project presentation. It was terrible.... I couldnt complete my model in time, rushing like mad, late for presentation and all... thinking taxi will help abit but ending up wasted more time. It drove me crazy and broke me down... hence marked the crazy madness incidents that happened to me then..... yea....

Then today i was going to be late for my usp class after working on my designs at home. I took taxi and after years of taking taxi from my house to my sch, I know exactly how to go and how to direct. So this is more frustrating than ever. I gave the road name and he nodded so convincingly, so who would have thought he was actually not sure of going there? And then before i know it, suddenly I was brought to elsewhere.... and so I told him and he made a turn around .... some time already lost... den when he turned back, he was on the expressway now... So with the big green sign saying turn to left for NUS, I tot it can be no problem now. But then, I couldnt believe he drove straight down before I could say anything. I was totally in shock and couldnt say a thing. Finally when we reached the place where i used to work, which is also after NUH (hospital ar, not sch), I was so angry as he was still blur blur finding ways to get in somewhere which apparantly no where!! So i told him where the hell he bringing me to. There's definitely no more NUS already and no access in. So he turned all the way back and get into NUH, den from science fac den to my USP admin block... Great.... 1/2 hr late... what is the difference from waiting very long for a 188 to turn up and walked all the way from archi to usp.... haiz.... why such things happen when i really rush for time.....

taxi phobia ar~~~~~ T_T

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

career or enjoyment?

Yesterday night pia my HT project... almost without any sleep.... I was working late at night when suddenly one ex-colleague said hi to me on msn. Wow.... let me see.... think it's been 2-3 yrs liao.... when i first get to know my colleagues then... how fast time flies... Everyone dispersed, going to different places to work or study or pursue different jobs... so they are not working together anymore too. Then this female colleague of mine is one of those who love to travel and manages to get very cheap plane fares!!! She really dares to try those ulu planes.. lol~ Once, she went to Athens during the soccer match thing or something, cant remember le. So envious!!!

Then yesterday she was chatting with me suddenly juz to chit chat. haha while i was piaing work but still it is nice to haf ppl active to talk to while working... can keep awake too! After some time during our conversation, she said she's bored so i told her to sleep.. then she told me a different time over her side. Huh!!! Where is she this time again????!!! ok... she's living in a hotel in LONDON! ......... She was working as a receptionist there... wow... and the interesting thing is, concidentally the project i was working on is abt London's Houses of Parliament aka Palace of Westminster. She was surprised at the concidental issue too! And asked me if i need any help on getting photos etc.... haha too late le~~~ anyway I told her got chance go in there to see see, cos it was an extraordinary building. But she does not have much pounds left to spend for the admission fee. Her pay was rather low... 800 pounds a month... with the high cost of living there, it was really not enuff. Well, at least she can go ard visiting places... so nice~ going ard and working at the same time... cool huh~

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Recently sleeping/dozing off at bad posture on my chair in front of my computer... And ended up waking up with painful joints at the feet... and today I experienced pains at my toes and ankle while walking home... aiyo... felt like an ahma le.....

yay!! One more grp proj was over now, left the usp one.... haiz~~~ Design design design~~ the most impt. Jia you ar~~

Monday, October 24, 2005

Cool.....

Yester night when I was at the peak of my emotion... i got so mad that i became fully awake from my dozing off state... Den after some time when i cooled down... probably abt 15-20 min... I felt uncomfortable.... cos i dun like this kinda feelings on ppl and thus the work... i juz dun like it. Hence I made my first move to apologise. Ahh~~ I am amazed at myself sometimes that I can really humble down or intiate such things at the most awkward and rough situations. This is not the first time... All I wanted was a better friendlier environment for all of us. I dun like to sour any relationships with ppl due to projects. It is not worth it. All for the better picture, better teamwork, better understanding and so on. I apologise because sincerely i think I am at fault too.... So both parties end up saying sorry to one another. Although the root of problems may not be solved, however things are less tense i hope.... haiz, this is all i can do la. If there are still unhappiness with me coming from them i guess too bad la, they have worked with me at the wrong time. Too stressed up ended up being a nasty person. Hope they can forgive me too. Well, i did try to forgive them too. See, what we learnt in HumanRelations can be put into use: In interpersonal discussions, conflicts can arise much easier with the stressful environment. :)

At least in the end, there's a compromise.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Nasty

Ok, this is an unholy time of the night yet i am writing this. I dunno y but this time i am really really mad and angry. I think i became really nasty..... and rebellious and un-negotiable... my goodness, how to dedicate my time to so many things. argh. complaining here wont help either. fine. As long as i dun sleep, den i haf time to do... or probably still not enuff. Damn it.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Angrier

Feeling more -_- rather than juz pure angry. I juz cant believe some ppl can discuss with u and bit by bit, b4 u know it, most work has pushed to the rest. When u finally look at the outline/summary discussed.... U will suddenly realise... : hey how come the parts under ur name is the longest. Den u also realised u are ordered around as mentioned in the brief, saying what you should do this and that. And if anything delayed, u are going to be the main culprit. For the sake of the finaly output, I'm not going to argue or say anything.. wat to do? no choice anyway... haiz.

Mum was talking about her mum and dad over dinner. Yup, the grandparents that i never get to see them or remember much abt them. She talked abt how after the war, grandpa died of sadness and hence illness and later the family heirloom was taken away from my grandma by her father-in-law, who was scared that my pretty and young grandma would run away with the pile of money with other man if she remarried. Hence she was left practically nothing. Grandma did not wish to fight for the large sum of money with her in-laws as she was upset over the loss of her husband and had no will to continue living. Women did not work much last time, and she only had tailoring skills to count on, so days became so hard. Mum revealed to me that grandma had tried many times to set her whole family, which is herself and her 4 kids, to die - commit suicide. Once she made milo and put soda inside to mix with it. When she was about to call her 4 kids to come to drink, she looked at them eating biscuits happily..... so innocently happy...... Suddenly she changed her mind and threw the drink away and told herself: When all ppl think their whole family wld eventually die, all the more she wanted to prove them wrong, and show to them how well they will live on. With that rebellious stubborn thought, it gave her the determination to continue living and she really succeeded in bringing all of them up.

When i hear this, my heart felt the pinch... that's why i said i admire my grandma. I heard so much stories about her yet i couldnt talk much to her in person. The last thing i remembered when she was still ard, I was abt 5 or 6 yrs old, and the only thing i did for her was to bring her toothbrush to her. She was so sick den and left us shortly. To me, she's a heroine. And I think her fighting spirit passed down to my mum and i hoped I had it in me too. I wouldnt dare say i can fight on so well like her but I do haf that spirit of not admitting myself to lose, so i wld get up later to prove the others wrong. U can call that stubborn if u want. I stubbornly hold on to things i wanted to hold on. That is why once i set on my heart or mind on something, I dun change unless u really moved the whole mountain and crushed it on me. Then I have nothing to say.

All right, enuff of saying all these saddening stuff.... whether it is inspiring to u or not, juz treat it as another life story.

The dead lives in the hearts of the living and the living remembers the dead. They are only separated by a thin sheet of glass, a different period of time.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Angry.

I wonder if other ppl from other courses will understand or go thru the same type of mental torture we haf. I am not referring to the typical piaing and rushing work and having sleepless nights. They are harmful and disturbing but still typical.
Who can feel the pain of ur design changing and changing and ideas not understood by others or deemed not good. and u racked the hell out of ur brain. When such things happen, one will be led into this mentality or at least set one thinking if he/she is not cut out to be in the course. When that happens, one will eventually lose oneself, one's focus, confidence, goal etc. And finally u are lost. Even if it is not the similar torture, i am sure other ppl from other courses may experience this from another way.

One thing to cure such situations, in my opinons, is to be thick skinned to urself, be stubborn and die die dun admit u are not cut out for it. So keep trying and trying and believing that later u can reach to a good product. Pride in this sense may turn into a drive to persevere that helps to push u out of the dead hole. Whether u succeed ornot, that depends on oneself and luck. At least u did ur best. But i know did ur best is not good enuff for most ppl. So keep believing and trying. At least u didnt stop.

Anyway currently frustrated abt myself. shant say more le.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Is guilty

Was planning to say something here but forgot what it is... so suan le...

anyway was feeling guilty... cos i skipped my afternoon HR class to go home to do design.... when i went back, i think abit abt it and ended up sleeping all the way til dinner time... -_-! some may think sleeping is damn impt, so it is worth it... personally i do not know anymore.
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recently, due to one fren's blog, ended up alot of dicussion of it on other ppl's. It is about the role of a modern woman. Modern women have to settle roles and responsibilities not only as a housewife, but also in career, etc, daughter, daughter-in-law... (hey, can bring in HR lessons to this issue!). So after marriage, women's lives change alot... and so on... Got this piece of heartwarming story from ed's fren's blog.... got time read it... very touching.

男人结婚是家里多了个人，女人结婚是换了个家

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lol, after reading this, alot of things come to mind. I remembered while we were in UM joint studio in M'sia, there's one time we were having lunch or dinner at some place... as an interesting subject matter of conversation, the rest ended up trying to justify if i can be a good housewife. The gals were trying to find good pts while the guys find good and bad all together... I juz shake head and listen... no choice... and one guy jokingly said that i am good becos after i die, my art works will fetch good money to the husband and the family.... wooooot! huh, as if i can get that famous.

But all these make me really wonder abt the future even if i dun wan to. For those demerit points, i find them quite worrisome if u seriously think abt it.... ya... i dun eat alot of things... for eg, prawns, crabs etc.... cos i find them scary... den next time how to cook them? I also dun dare to chop up animals and see those bloody stuff... den how to cook them too? the good thing is, as they said, "low maintenance" cos i dun eat shan1 zhen1 hai3 wei4.... desserts are enuff to keep me very happy.... Den another one: i dun dare to iron clothes after some 'accidents' and no one has been encouraging me to iron. Think there are many many more things etc etc etc... dunno how to cope. I think even if i dun get married, i cant even survive on my own. For the sake for myself and the human race, I know i shld learn them or try to get rid of the fear factor or phobias that i have... not easy i know... and i told my frens to give me 7 years.... erm... who knows i may have talent in cooking and other things... lol fat hope rite. or maybe cook desserts only... muahahaha~~~
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ok, enuff of the issue, think after my studies den say ba.

I hope that fren of mine will be able to kan de kai...she's pretty stressed up with all this and work. I think work is more impt now cos the lost of confidence and focus in work is the priority thing for her case.. as for the issue of being a soft demure gal, i think only the right guy will see that in her, so she dun need to worry abt tt and not to rush such things. :)

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

>.<

lol... waited for more than 1 hr before one of my projmates turned up. anyway, a quick discussion den I went back home... While i was walking towards the archi busstop, i saw.... Sakamoto-San again!!!! aww~~~ He recognised me first and smiled at me before i greeted him with a smile and bow... (>.<)! ~~~~
heehee. Oh, I realised that he's rather tall when he stood up... didnt notice that height when he was sitting down. ya, all the more i am a little gal...
haiz... work work work and I hadnt been exercising since the term break... oh horrible... i am gettting fat with all the biscuits substituting my meals.... argh~

Monday, October 17, 2005

zzz day

Had interim crit today... as usual, rushed to the end and not prepared for the speech this time rd... unable to convince the crit panels of the strategy. But in the first place it is a very comlplicated zoning.... not as if this is going to be my thesis design. so I think i am going to redesign hehe~~~

After our studio's crit were over (in the morning), I went for usp class and den off to home!! yesH~~~ on the way out, i saw...... Mr. SAKAMOTO!! haha~~ some of u will know abt him from me, some of u haven, or juz forgotten abt it. He's a Japanese teacher who was teacher in charge of a year 1 module tutorial that i had at that time. He's really patient and he kept saying "Do u get what i mean?"... quite soporific to listen to his voice if u are sleepy, and can end up dozing off. That's wat happen to me. But really gentle. Den once I saw him brought his very young son to sch and told him in Japanese what are those wooden sculptures along the corridor are. It is so sweet~ Wish i can take a photo of that moment. Very happy to see him~~

yes yes, i like him but not what u are thinking at this moment~ The thrill of seeing him is like a little gal seeing his sweet daddy, who would like to run up to him in tiny steps and hold his big hand and said, "Papa, koko wa nan desuka?" ... can u imagine the soft pastel scenery with a little gal in 2 pony tails looked up upon her dad who bent down to place his hands on her head gently. The atmosphere is soft, warm, sweet and light.

Yes, seems that I look upon that teacher like a dad~ (oh btw, he still remembers me, and i always bow to him whenever i see him!) My dad is very different from him. After since at a particular young age, my dad no longer pat on our heads etc. He's not the cheesy sweet kind that i haf described abt Mr. Sakamoto. I haf forgotten wat it is like when I was a little gal. Did I often get pats on my head? Did I often get to climb on my parents to play on them? I dun remember. My dad used to stay silent and mum does most of the talking, nagging watever u can think of to us. But now, ya, wat i can remember is both my dad and mom take turns to get me out of bed. :p

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Hmm, I juz got my computer to shift back to where i used to work in the living room. and my dad made a once-a-blue-moon good suggestion to shift the other large now-empty table to the back of where i sit. Tada! so i really haf a mini workstation. one side is computer, the other side is table for writing and drawing as it is slightly in front of the ceiling lamp above. Juz the right lighting direction without casting my shadow on the table. All i haf to do is rotate my armchair around. Grreeat! Now i have mood to do more work! The problem is I get back the problem of having blown by the fan all the time while it blows my computer and that the monitor is above eye level (will get the neck pains).... haiz~~ nevermind, will stay this way until i get a new desk/workstation. :)

nice feng shui, nice layout. *thumbs up*

btw, apologise for not being active in msn. Really too many things to think abt or stoning before tt. But i dun mind any greetings from u all~ even if it is juz a hi and a few words of chat. really, i dun mind. :D

term is coming to an end, hang in there!!

Saturday, October 15, 2005

MIA

Declaration of MIA... :( or almost.

叹颂歌
默默煎熬的世界里，自认院里冷酷，难不成他人也由得我默离?

Attires:
Friday was my free day, and i had to rush back to sch to hand in something. The sky was overcast with grey heavy clouds. The wind is cool and one naturally feel calm and laid back... Superb weather. How I wish everyday was like that, no need to haf lessons and could wear t-shirt and shorts to sch.... With such nice weather, my fav attire would be t-shirt and shorts... i think no one would have guessed that.

So I thought further... Ever since young, I wish that my working attire would be uniforms or office attire... cos I really dislike wearing different types of clothes in this case, it's so troublesome. Some ppl enjoy but not me. Anyway with those uniform or office attire, I will feel the atmosphere of work and seriousness... but the best is I can work in my own studio at my own pace and wear whatever i like, thus nothing to hinder my creativity.

TV:
I shld be rushing like mad for my interim on Mon, but i was abit slacking... No longer so tensed up... which is a bad thing in another sense.... Saturday got alot of shows.... the 7pm and 9pm ones. 9pm is the one with GuoJing and Huang Rong. I like to watch the both of them~ Cos they are so pure and naive in their hearts. They really live so happily together. Den Hong Qigong appeared a couple of times le... and today the more i watched him, the more I liked him!! He's like a cute grandpa who loves to eat~! If i have a grandpa like him, I dun mind learning all sorts of cooking for him to try~ ^^ He's really so funny and soft at heart.... oh dear... how come i like him so much suddenly... probably the more i watch him, the more I wish that he's my grandpa. I never haf a grandfather. I dunno what it is like to have one. My only paternal grandma also dun mix with us much. So i never get the taste of being dote on by grandparents and never haf a chance to sa3 jiao1 them or treat them nice.

叹颂歌
为何每物构起伤感处，问己为何视野偏一方，何不挥一挥袖，踏上万里处，放眼天下，加上良酒美景同欢度。

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两句叹颂词，献丑了。

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Bad Day

Had Matlab Quiz.... I didnt haf enuff time to do the last question.... and it was 12 marks! the highest one.... darn, shld haf done the last one fast. stupid me. STUPID ME! DAMN me....

right after i got out of the engin comp lab and reached my archi studio, i realised my calculator missing, so quickly went back to find, but it was gone.... It is my nice colourful calculator that followed me everywhere..... now it is gone. FIRST time i lost a calculator... wat the....

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

@_@

finally HR project is over.... without a night's sleep... i think it is worth it! Was experiencing some busy life here... monday was test, tues no sleep for HR preparation, Wed today was HR presentation (prepared up to the very last seconds and over shot the class time!), Thurs got Matlab test and design... den all the way to monday to prepare for mon's interim crit... den after crit start H&T proj and continues design... OMG.... wat is this...

hmm but in between the chaos, I dun seem to panick as much as i used to.... which is bad cos panick at the last moment was a hell too.... but during process i even slack and rest here and there.... hmm.... is this a good or bad sign?

Anyway seems more and more ppl taking the ice-cream test, so juz took a few seconds... maybe 10-20 secs to do.... and oh~ my result is Strawberry ice-cream...

You Are Strawberry Ice Cream

A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core.
You often find yourself on the outside looking in.
Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works.
You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Madness

Was trying to pia 3 work during the weekends but failed... I finished my HR part using up my whole weekend. Then I spent only 4 hrs to study for a 20% test today for the Usp class. I really threw abt 10 marks away le! argh... den after that trying to squeeze out things to say to my design tutor in the afternoon. omg, i am breaking~~~ naaah, not so soon.

oh something interesting or maybe juz nice to share:
Last time while playing Conquer, I made a friend in there... a french person. Actually, he became a fren to both me and sis lah. Well, though culture and upbringing differs among us, yet there's something globalised~~ or universal. He and my sis share similar ideas ... about relationships and marriage!! we were chitchatting la... den he told me tt he also feels that he's not going to marry juz like my sis...... (hey, he's juz 18 only lor...erm 18 not too young oso), and told me that it is hard to find the right person and people can change, etc... thus very difficult to know a person well... den he told me how u have to ask the people ard him/her etc etc to know that person better... haha he is like teaching me or something.... lol..... finally he told me that the best way to test a person is to make him or her wait.... and jokingly added not to make that person wait 10 years... haha~~ so funny... he juz blabbered on... though he was struggling with english while trying to put his ideas across, i can understand mostly wat he is trying to say... and I didnt expect ppl from such a open culture society have such thoughts... hmm rather amusing~~ there are always exceptions i guess. Anyway, finally, he wish that I will find my happiness. so I wish him back. Awww, isnt it sweet? a blessing from across the globe. He's a nice person too, hope he'll meet his right person.
Haha~ His sis's getting married soon.... and wat abt mine..... grrr...... I want bro-in-law!!!! And my mum is grumbling to have a young guy (男丁）in the house... yea, i think partly to help her carry stuff.... haha~ hmm... everytime she says that, it reminds her of 'my brother' who was no longer in this world. i guess she somehow feel abit sad? i dunno.

ok, rest enuff for tonight liao~~ shld pia again tomolo...~~

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Angry abt myself

Nothing much to say for these days... been dozing off here and there, messing up my bio clock and routine.... i dun really like it.... i think recently i became rather inactive on msn now.... cos i wld be stoning, dazing, daydreaming, or dozing off in front of my comp even if I am in busy mode, or online mode...... so feel free to pop me a msg to wake me up~ thanks~ lol...

So angry abt myself....

angry for dozing off
angry for being so dilly dally
angry for being slow
angry for low efficiency
angry for not being able to keep to my plans and timetable
angry that i cannot juggle assignments together well
angry for being distracted
angry for being a snacks-glutton
angry for not being able to wake up when my hp alarmssssss rang
angry for being ..... erm... wat else

aiya, dun care, angry abt everything abt myself!!! I need a manager!! I need ppl to push me.... help~~~ T_T
tell me.... wat solutions can i take? wat temptations to make me work faster? wat wat wat!! *bang head* lol

oh btw, my sis went to watch the movie starring Liu De Hua, abt becoming old in one day. She said the movie is meaningful and touching. Yup, i think it teaches us to treasure the present and wat we have. What an irony: a child wishes to grow up asap, while an adult wishes that one can go back to the younger days or stop the time....

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Realised i am actually passive...

I think there are times that I am quite unfriendly....

In fact it has been for many many years, which I think very irritating abt it of myself.... well juz feel like bringing it up here since i am a rather open person now.

There are times during lessons when I sat besides some frens, when they dun initiate to speak to me, I can actually never tok a single word to them... if no one jio me to any conversations, I will not join in any. Even if they are with me and we are supposed to be in conversations and abit here and there they tried to tok to me, I also feel sian to tok becos I feel extra and that I will feel tt I make them haf to put in effort to jio me to tok or things like that. In those cases, why make they feel difficult...... den I rather fly away and disappear.

When there are times i am with a fren, I will get pressurised... becos i will feel that I have to make effort to tok to him/her. And I dun haf that confidence to tok to ppl actually. unless that fren is very initiative den i will feel better.

It is always nice to haf clique(s) ard in sch, but then i choose not to.... or rather i didnt make an effort to. Imagine when u haf clique, you haf certain commitments in sch such as to go with them to lunch or outing etc etc. I know it is kinda nice and happy or fun but in sch, I juz wanna rebel or feel lazy and I dun think i haf the energy for such commitments....so... and really I dunno how to communicate well with ppl. at least that's wat i think according to some experiences. Alone, I go wherever i like... sad or happy.... and i dun expect ppl to reach out to me nor stop me in my flee. I think the only clique I have are those i can tok better with... Well, with such solemn face i carry ard, no wonder some ppl in archi who dunno me well enuff are pretty scared of me.

similarly, whenever someone, regardless close or not close, choose to 'go away', i will also respond it with passiveness. Is there a term to describe such behaviour? i dunno, it has been an irritating character... I think i am really a person who will leave whenever i am left alone. Is it some sort of self punishment? or a personality who likes to reflect other ppl's doings? or juz having passive mode as default? Or is it too tired after trying my best and juz wanna leave the situation? wat is it? help... wat a messy tot, guess i'll juz leave it....

maybe no one understands my mind, not even I.... Trying to communicate with humans are one of major struggles in life. Maybe I am not supposed to be a human being in the first place.

Tired but happeee~

yes! VERY HAPPY~ ok, maybe juz relieved and glad that finally wat I wanna achieve is done. I always wanna get a hard cover sketchbook of a smaller size for normal writing but that time was out of stock. So after my lessons today, I gave a call to Art fren and den went Bras Basah to get it. The sketchbooks in Art fren are rather limited.... I bought one and felt very happy le~~ Actually, it is not the ideal one that I wanted. I wanted this time to haf thinner paper inside cos it is more for writing and not drawing, but the shop dun haf a thicker sketchbook for such... only thinner ones. Yet the price is more expensive!! 13 bucks for the smallest size there. Only the thick ones haf the thick paper inside...cost abt 9-10 bucks.... cheaper... Anyway i bought some other types of paper too... wah.... and I realised that all these are made in England... hmm... does it mean that they gonna be cheaper there? grrrrr

I was with other 2 archi frens who were also heading for the main Library. yep, this is my first time to this new lib!! haha~ sua ku? anyway, i discovered my new love of study area~ the Reference section of this lib!! It is not too freezing cold, yet have tables with powerpoints!!! Quiet too!!! wahh~~~~ >.<

We stayed til the lib closes (9pm) and we headed home with books~ wah, whole day going to places and so on.... so tired. but after getting my beloved sketchbook (i dun mind having more of them muahahahaha!), and discovering my new love (the study place), I am rather happy abt it.

Ok, enuff of my fetish at paper, sketchbook or watever there is. Well, I discovered something interesting... and yes, it has got to do with me.... was tokking to my "president" of the Singles Independent Club (SI club... lol not SI units ar) a few days ago til very very late at night. Juz chitchatting and I learnt that there are 2 scandals abt me... I dont even know it myself!!!! wat! and she dun intend to tell me. hey, I tot i have clean records in architecture! hey!!!..... and so my dear pressie wanna kick me out of the club...... hey..... den today when tokking to my archi frens who were with me to the lib, I learnt another scandal abt me! huh? is it one of the 2 that my other fren mentioned or is it a different one. I was so surprised.... aiyo! but anyway they asked me abt it so i have the chance to clear this one up with them, telling them nothing of that sort and maybe why there is such 'misunderstanding' /scandal. whew~ hmm, wat a first hand experience about being unknown about ppl talking about u. or maybe i am juz blur and didnt know ppl starting to gossip or maybe they are so expert at keeping gossips out of my hearing range. hmm experts....

right, much work to do~~~ >.< it is really testing on my time management... and it is getting more challenging for each sem. Shall I declare MIA status?? or is it too soon to do that....
hey, i did not sleep on monday night, and haven get enuff sleep back.... geez~~

Monday, October 03, 2005

More and More work....~

ok, i have piles of work coming up, so my little cat story will be delayed but dun worry i haf started drawing on it. very simple stuff la.

Remember my whole family went to this supermkt to shop last thurs? yup, we saw this nice plastic tub of fish gummies, which apparently caught my sis's eyes. hehe, i got a photo of it and sort of edited it... lol~~

And a little paragraph to go with the picture....:
" Our lives are just like the fishes' in the plastic container. Living in this world, there is this barrier in ur lives that make you lose ur freedom. The barrier is something you cannot see but you can touch it to know/feel it in your heart."