Sunday, January 30, 2005
Pia pia pia pia~~~~~
Hmm, been MIA here for the past few days. Why? Needless to ask. I have a slavemaster as my studio tutor. so this coming Monday, which is tml, we have to hand up alot of things and it will keep adding on for the next studio lessons and the next and the next and continues til the end of the sch term. This time alot of requirements still, so we are rushing work. One good thing about this is, it makes one adrenalised up to charge for battle and not getting slugged off. Yar, it's something like making u feel the heat of 'festive season'. Do not misunderstand that this festive season used here means CNY. It is the studio design project I referring to.
Is it just me or is it because of this project related to religion, that I getting more and more into my religion aka Buddhism. I start to think alot of things again, but this time is not the same as last time where my tots are really sad, depressing ones. This time, those thinkings make me feel somewhat peaceful. I found that they say Buddhism do not worship any gods but searches truth within oneself. But... how come I am a Buddhist yet we do pray to gods? hmm, maybe there are alterations throughout the decades?
Doing work now and listening to 93.3fm. It's been a long time since I 'visit' any radio channels. And I just found out two very nice NEW songs. First is by Yang Qian Hua杨千桦 （sorry i dunno her name in exact chinese character), her song entitled: "大成小事" Got chance go and check it out. I listened and kinda feel moved by the melody and some words. Another one is by the rebellious cool guy Xie Ting Feng (haha, realised I forgot his chin char name as well...). I forgot the title for his song but is related to china and kungfu stuff? hmm I think the music very suitable for some shiok kungfu movie's theme songs. Yea, that kinda genre lar.
haha Lam asked me to stay over tonight.... haha~ she dun wanna stay back alone in her studio (she's diff studio from me), as she find it eerie and scary, and she pei fu me for being so brave... haha, I did it last Thurs, alone of cos... well i dun think i am a brave person but ok leh, I just do it like that lor~. Well I blast music from my laptop and juz do work lor. Luckily I have ppl to chat in MSN to get rid of sianness. ok la, dun let ur mind run wild can liao lor~ In fact I find it peaceful leh~~~ heehee (^_^)V
This evening's so windy.... the breeze is pretty strong but nice. ahh~~ then got music ard. Suddenly have the urge to meditate.... but need to do work... So nevermind, this is another way of peace within me.
Ps: oh suddenly realise I forgot when is valentine day. anyway, it's not an impt date to note. but in order not to embarrass myself, I better remember it again else ppl laugh or get stunned by me again. haiz~~~~
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
SDE day~
Today is SDE day..... This morning I was wiping my hands dry and suddenly the bracelet that mei gave me broke..... One of the little chains broke... tt's y... When I met up with mei this morn at sch to get my drawing pen back, I told her abt it.... sob :( After lecture, me and archi ppl all went to foyer to see what the year 1s were selling for the SDE day. Some ppl made brownies of all sort: Rocky Rd Brownies, Original Brownies, Cookies and Cream Brownies, etc etc. damn cool~ I used the $3 coupons to buy one muffin and one slice of cookies brownie. Later my ex-studio gathered together and celebrated zhengmei's bdae. That means since yesterday night, I've been eating bdae cakes! After some chatting and lingering around in that studio, we went back to our own studio and discussed the urban planning thing. We finially decided to crash into other ppl's presentations... Hence, I didnt get to hear ppl singing at SDE Foyer.... and the lucky draw thing.
Haiz.... cham still got alot of work to do.... darn. think i better stop blogging. gtg pia work!
(ps: hey ed, I love cats more than fish ok! If I am a cat, it explains why I love to eat fish, and when I see any very cute-looking birds... I find them delicious-looking. Also, it explains why I'm scared of dogs especially when they come running to me.... I have the immediate urge to run away....)
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Sis's 25th Bdae~~~
Haha, today no lessons for me but I had to go around to several places to find books for my research in Sustainability. My tutor suggested me a hard hard topic to do on.... Help me~~~ I cannot find..... and oh yes, need to haf precedent for our main design project too.... and my Urban Planning presentation is next week~~ and i haven start my research!!! HELP!! HH EE LL PP~
ok... so today.... I was carrying books here and there and to many different places... My arms almost break haha. Imagine 7-9 KG of books from CCK to town and added more to go back to Clementi.... muahahaha~~~~ My power must be gotten from the peace of Buddhism~~ I juz keep on walking and walking. I reached home and my family oso juz came back from Chinatown. wah, they all went to buy New year goodies and dad collected sis's bdae cake.
They bought 3 types of noodles: Mee goreng, mee rebus and mee siam.. haha i chose half goreng, half rebus.... ok, quite full liao (see see, I never starve myself ar~ anyway quite hungry cos i skipped lunch..... I had a muesli bar for it then....) Ard 10pm, finally we decided to celebrate sis bdae. We found out that Dad didnt get the correct number of candles!! So mum tried to use the old ones and tried to make them look new by cutting the old parts away and so on. I joined in the task. Me and mum compete with each other to see who can do the job better. My archi penknife was so sharp that I always accidentally cut everything away even the wick.... urgh.... so mum won.... and she suan me~~~ sis juz sat there laffing at both of us as though we were doing a comical show. den helped her light up candles etc.... everyone was enjoying ourselves. Finally time to give presents!!
I bought her softtoys.... becos in the end I cannot find anything or think of anything pratical that she likes becos he hardly likes those serious stuff... haiz.... I bought this huge blue stingray which can be put at the back on the chair so as to protect the spine... and got her two fish soft toy keychains and put them in a tall thin handmade bag with some fish design on it... haiz.... she's a fish lover.. wat to do? When I gave them to her, she was so damn happy~ glad she likes them~~
wah now I super full..... haf to wait to let it digest first before bathing... haiz~~ now muz pia work liao. From tml onwards, I shld be camping in sch to pia work liao~~ urgh!!!
Monday, January 24, 2005
Buddhism
After my morning USP class, I realised I forgot to bring some books from home, so I ended up going back home to get them..... Ah~~ so sun bian had my lunch there.... yea~ I feel really lucky to live in Clementi. Next time I shall oso buy an apartment somewhere here or Bouna Vista so that NUS will be so darn near,... for the children..., if I ever have lar.
For today's studio, we are made to read up on things like religion and meditation. I choose Buddhism as it is my religion. I was reading and reading and I realised that I can understand what it is saying inside. During Buddhist meditation, you concentrate on senses, from there u feel the truth of the experience and the object/concept will be gone; there is no form. Hence this leads to selflessness and emptiness. This also means that when we are experiencing hardship, anguish, sadness etc, they are juz thing that will pass; it is nothing and empty inside. With no attachment to these, there will be no suffering.
Like wat my teacher said, what we faces outside in this world are waves while our inner self is calm sea. We can treat the experiences like passing waves and it will always go back to the calm sea before another wave comes in.
Haiz, understand but hard to carry out all these lar...
Haha Joc gave me a birthday bear with M&M ~ So nice of her~~~ but wah, very early wor. Now only Jan~~
Later some of my studio ppl went Mac for dinner while I went home for it instead. Brenda and me walked and chat along the way til Clementi~ Haiz... muz really jia you and focus on work sia~~ Tutor gave alot of work! and I have another presentation next week! Help!!
(Ps: Jo ar, in the end I never eat the Rocky Rd... maybe tonight or tml night muahaha. Ed, dun worry, I will not commit suicide. really...)
Unstable
(Thanks everyone for the comments and concern, very sorry to make u all worry... I broke the promise of not letting ppl worry me again, and I'm really sorry abt it.)
Last night, Jov was counselling me until 4 plus in the morning... really think she's the ultimate patient person at this. Becos I think I was rebelling alot of things... indeed at the final end, I took the advice and decided to talk to my mum and sis the next time. Sorry to adnan, jo and some ppl for dozing off halfway during msn... haha. My energy drains super fast when I'm down.
I woke up at 12 noon and had lunch with them... After some time and procrastinating, I did tok to them. Mum was not stable at the time as she's happened to be extremely sad over her eye problem. Ah~ bad timing but anyway I did my part. I didnt get to know if the thing turn out good or bad cos immediately I took my bag and went out le. I have alot of things to settle. Need to go temple, pray and take photos, and settle my sis's bdae present.
Reached home at 7 plus, the others already watching My Fair Princess....
I realised how high and important my family stand in my heart. Without their understanding and becos of maligning me, I can feel that I have no point to live further. All the while I tot most of the time I lived alot for myself as in my dreams, etc... But now it doesnt. I live becos I have them to see me what I am living through.
Last time I used to wonder why ppl commit suicide. I find them bu4 ke3 si1 yi4 不可思议. As though they are silly.... Now I understand how they can do it and why as in really feel the need to do that. Once u haf the urge or the thought, you are halfway there liao. Once u haf the courage to put into action, u are done. I had the urge but never the courage.
Oh I ate alot of ice-cream i think... I had a sundae, now I had rum and raisin. Think going for Rocky Rd... haha.
Mum asked me to put alarm for myself as she's going out early, and the day ended like that. But I feel better. Just that one sentence. 原来我是多么地希望别人，尤其是家人与亲友的爱与谅解，就好像我多么地想为他们付出。我上了一个宝贵的课，也知道自己是那种 “同与家人灭亡”的人。家亡我亡。
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Heartless
The day can turn from a happy one to a sad one within half an hour... at least that happened to me yesterday. I had wished so badly that after all the depression and sadness i got last sem, this sem would be a happy one. But no..... it didnt last....
You know that I hate to be called a person full of excuses or a heartless person cos that is maligning me. And it's not fair and it means that the person doesnt know me at all. Last time when some frens say I like/always giving excuses, I was damn upset. Now the worse is being called a heartless person by my very own family member. And this is the 2nd time. 1st time was last sem... juz becos of little things.
If I am heartless, I would haf waste their money given for my studies by not putting effort in my studies;
If I am heartless, why should I get myself so worn out in sch and at work;
If I am heartless, why I strain on my mental and physical health rushing here and there to get things done;
If I am heartless, why am I so scared to spend on luxurious food or buy little luxurious foods;
If I am heartless, why do I always choose to eat desserts and not the main courses;
If I am heartless, why don't I spend money on useless stuff;
If I am heartless, why every pray I made I muz include good health for my family;
If I am heartless, why do I bother to make jokes at home;
If I am heartless, I would be staying in studio everyday as though I have no family.
I am a human, and I agree as a human, I also get tempted by things or have certain desires and sometimes becos of peer pressure. Humans are not saints.
However, it seems tt whatever I do, I am deemed heartless, or seemed heartless:
I am heartless, becos I always work late and use alot of electricity;
I am heartless, becos of the lights that people in my house cant sleep well;
I am heartless, becos I took up alot of places at home to put my stuff;
I am heartless, becos I wan face which oso will give family face;
I am heartless, becos I wanna reward my frens in events at the expense of home matters;
I am heartless, becos I wanna have a memorable life-experience in overseas studying which is expensive;
Yes I am the most heartless person in the world. I agree I do haf wrong judgements at times but it is based on some desires I wan that I am deemed heartless. Do I deserve that? And people forget abt the other things that I do for them. It is like when a person did something bad, others will always see the bad point and forget the good one.
I think our communication gap is getting bigger and bigger, and I feel like losing hope. Last sem when this word was given to me, it already broke my heart and it never heals. Some words said cannot be taken back. That time I even feel like camping in sch forever or at least most of the times, as though I 'fly away from home' aka 离家出走. Thankfully to my sis's reminding me of the word, I remembered that 'escape from home' promise and I am going to camp in studio more this sem. At least I won't be a burden to them. And I wont take up their space, I won't waste their electricity.
I feel that I am a burden to my family.... my studies are very expensive. The resources like books, computer stuff etc added on to it gave more burden. To them, it seems ' I wan this and I wan that', like wat my sis say, I'm like a Princess living in big house. If I am, why didnt I complain about the food being simple at home? and so on. I worked so hard for who? Myself alone? And family? Why? To give them better life, better fame, better face, achievements, pride, relief, meaningfulness. When people say ur frens seem closer than ur family are, it is really true at times. But I know in the end family shld be the one supporting u til the end. But I can see that they hurt me so much before I can reach the end. The gap has become too wide. They no longer understand me.
All right, since like that, I will try to stop all temptations and desires I have. So that I wont be a burden.
No more desserts; Try to eat as little or minimum as possible; Try to stay in sch more to save electrical bills; No more going out often; etc
Maybe this way I can save enuff to pay for my own masters course overseas.... or maybe not. Den I shall work non stop, and spend in almost nothing. No more celebration of any sort. Nothing, I shall have nothing. I should be complacent with what I have. Nothing else at all.
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This evening I went to this Baptist Church in Novena with some archi frens cos yuxun invited to go and hear the concert.... singing basically. When I hear and hear, tears juz fell but I didnt let anyone see. So stupid and embarrassing. Think I can join acting liao. So good at crying for wat. Like someone said, crying also no one will pity me, no use one, who cares.
The priest speaks in Mandarin, unlike any other priests in the typical churches. Actually, me and the archi ppl spent the time looking at the building/inside the room for architectural features to note. haha.... but the songs are nice lar.. The violinist was the best. Next one was the flutist. Now yx gave each of us the music CD.... anyone wan to listen to it?
During the whole concert, they always make us stand alot. stand and sit, den stand again etc. My left side of my back was hurting me alot. This is the 2nd time since I had the spine injury. So this standing and sitting abit the killing me haha~~
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After the concert ended, lav went home, left me, brenda, minghui and kexiang. We went to McCafe to grab food, except me. Even though the prices are reasonable and the cheesecakes are super nice and delicious looking, no I never eat. Wat for eat. They are extra food. Why spend on excess food. Why spend on desires. The instant noodles I haf for dinner at home should be enuff. Ok, so I didnt buy and convinced myself not to buy. Not bad.
Reached home, I bathed immediately. I ate up the remaining oreo biscuits. Suddenly I realise one thing. Now I understand why I starve myself last time. Some people pierce themselves or cut themselves to relieve stress etc. For me, I am not that extreme. I starve myself.
Haha... but then since I always eat junk food, I believe I didnt starve myself afterall. Or at times i really did....
Anyway, my first step to humble life. And to show them that I am not wat heartless princess thingy that they think I am. I really wan to make my mark in career so I wont be a burden to them in future. Really, if I really wan to go overseas, I shld really save as much as possible from now and stop thinking of spending money in any form unless really need to. At least that will put them at ease.
Anyway alot of things I sacrifices I made no one sees. When once a while I pointed out something I wan to do, they sees it as too much. To them I am really a burden. Think u cant deny. I juz cannot accept ppl maligning me... hurt me too much... a sour feeling left behind... disappointed, speechless, lose hope. To me, they anyhow use this word 'heartless' on me, they didnt realise it is hurting me instead. To me, they are the ones heartless.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Brother Selly's 21st Bdae!
(hehe, ever since I posted photos of my studio desk in the previous blog entry, I received many admiration from ppl... But then, this was the first and only chance in archi to haf such studio of our own. Hence I mus treasure it.)
This evening, I went to Westmall to meet up with Ah ba and Gabz to sign the card. To my surprise, they havent buy cos they wanted to wait for me to buy.... So I act angry and nagged at them. Later Mei came and we finally got a pretty card. Yk came shortly and we proceeded to mrt to take train to Gombak. There, we all settled down to sign and deco the card. Yuwen came shortly and joined us to sign. When we were done, we went down to meet up with the rest: Shanyang, Justin, Venkie, Weikun, Yock and the bdae boy Selly!! Later jov came and we all proceeded to the condo's function room which was an air-con glass house:
haha we sat very near the food area~~ And oh, at one point of time, the guys bullied Sel and took away his food so that he would be forced to sit with the gals. I dunno wat got into me and I act angry again. I tried to make them bring back his food. But in the end Sel stood up to get his food back. Ops, I hope I didnt scare them... I really mean it as a joke, as in acting nia. I dun mean it seriously. Honest! Sorry selly and everyone! I hope I didnt spoil your atmosphere then!
The sky began to darken and its time to sing bdae song and haf the key-shaped cake to get lit up! Our 61 class get to take photo together first!
Oh did u all notice? The 61 Family Tree members were all wearing SHADES OF PINK!!! So coincidental!! And got nice gradient! Starting from our big ahba wearing white, den mei, me, sel, yock and jov with the darkest shade near to red! Actually selly was forced to change to wear pink top by his parents. We all think that he looked good in pink leh~~
Later the gals were playing and trying to squash jov...
Quickly we gathered ard to see sel open his presents and he tried to guess what's inside. If he got the wrong answer, he'll be forfeited by eating leftover satay, which he tio~
Ah ba again endulging in the Calsberg.... wat an 'alcoholic ghost'...
In order to finish the leftover satay and agar jellies, we started playing some games. First we played this multiples of 7 games. A person will start with number 1 and the rest follow in order. For ppl going to say those numbers with multiples of 7 or have digit 7 inside will have to say 'up' instead. Those said wrongly will haf to eat one piece of the food. The 2 ppl beside him/her will be punished too. wat a good way to finish food faster.
Later we changed to another game, the guessing number game. We asked 2 of sel's brothers (who were sitting behind us in the photo) to give the numbers and we guess.
Yuwen was punished the most, hence eaten the most... so suay ar... next was jov and yock haha... then me always called the numbers so accurate.... four times... not too bad lar. weikun said I can go buy 4D liao. Later weikun tio my disease haha!! Weimin came and joined us. wah, pretty late and food's almost finished. So we played with Potato Crisps. Venkie, Zhiquan and Ah ba were the ones never get forfeited b4, so we tried to sabo them. Venkie was the first to be down, den Zhiquan next. Finally after a loooong time, Ah ba was down and he gulped down the whole bottle of Calsberg... Crazy!!
We spent some time chatting until we were full and shagged....
Den the rest keep encouraging me to haf my bdae in MacDonalds.....haiz
Ard 10:30pm or so, we left the place. Sel and his 2 brothers were left to clean up the room... poor thing~~ We bid farewell proceeded to the mrt station. What a tiring but happy day~~~
Thursday, January 20, 2005
My New Studio~~~
For the past few days, I have been dolling up my desk. Will take a photo and put here to let u all see one day. I brought my white furry ducky, and two doggy with clips at the top. One was given by MichT for my bdae and one is from a game fren for Xmas. I brought my black Nescafe mug and a calendar.... oh I oso brought a The Dog softtoy and made it sat on the top of the LCD screen. Oh yes, even the table lamp that Huiping gave me last year for bdae. Ah~ oso haf the handphone sitter.... and some rough paper and postcards for writing. Finally, I hanged the dreamcatcher that my JC class gave me for bdae last year~~ heehee. The colour goes well with my studio colour~~ cool huh~ Aww, I feel damn good for this sem liao hahah~ See, I am really a environment-affected person. Feel so comfy to work in studio now, unlike last sem. Now this one got more private spaces etc. Wat it lacks is the drawers or a small cabinet. So everything haf to put on the table. Ok lar, that means I haf space underneath the desk to sleep! haha, but floor dirty sia. Oh yes, I brought my small yellow pillow liao. Next time will bring the green circular one I bought from Ikea last year. I still wan it to accompany on bed for now. haha~~ Nice to hug ok.
1. This is the overall photo of my desk:
2. Ahh~ my soft toy and soft toy clips...
3. My monitor and lamp etc... (did u notice that my hp and desktop wallpaper have same picture?)
haha my table nice hor~
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In the afternoon, we went to Sentosa to look at Shangri-La Resort. We took Sentosa bus in... (hey! now we need to pay $1 for the ride!!) Den we walked up this slope at the entrance and finally greeted by the white building and vast amout of vegetation around it and on the porch...
We got to the sea part. There is this long stretch of low cliff where we stood. It looks out to the sea.... It sparkled under the sun. Then u see the waves rushed in and the sound of the waves....
There are alot of big ships nearby. Time and time again there are speed boats going by. I managed to catch one of them.
Finally we looked at the massive resort building. It has windows/rooms repeated in modular fashion
So this building stretched from one end to the other in a curve. On the ground in front of the resort, there are swimming pools and a pool bar etc. Bustling with activities and people~ Feel like staying there for a while haha~
A japanese guy who is the landscape architect for this resort came to talk to us. Together we pointed out many bad points abt it... haha~ He speaks with an ang moh accent~~
After that we left the place. I went home... tired... while the rest had dinner in World Trade Centre. wat a day.... so many work to do!!!! We are slaves!!
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Meditation!! I chanced upon a cult-y one!!
Today lots of walking. I tried to wake up early to get to USP classroom to see if my umbrella was still there but end up woke up late lar. So I met up with a year 1 student at 9am to teach her basic photoshop stuff. At 10am, I rushed to USP block. I dun dare to go into the room as a class was going on. But later I dare myself to go in and yea! I got my umbrella back!!
I went home afterwards to put some stuff at home before I need to set off to Holland V for site visit. hahah Holland V again!! sian. At home, both mum and dad were not in, so I cooked myself a bowl of instant noodles and did some surfing. Suddenly i dozed off. When I opened my eyes it was 2pm!! i need to reach NUS at 2:30pm haha. ok, finally met up with them at the central lib bus stop.
Our first site area is between the swimming pool and NTUC backside... so cramp! Dun like! me, jocelyn and grace grumbled abt it non stop haha and went to the other site where it is under contruction. But we went into the Chee Bin gardens first. That place is where the artistic people and gypsies live, so the place is very cultured. Got high class restaurant. We were like brought into another world... like some European countryside or quiet town. Very peaceful and quiet. We passed by a pet shop, and saw this beautiful cat. So pretty. It tried to open the door but the door wun bulge. Poor thing! so cuuuutttee! It even POSED for our photos. hee hee
Finally we passed by a staircase. There was this poster.... some mediation centre upstairs. It provides medicure, massage and mediation stuff like oracle reading.... and even CHAKRA testing!! It reminded me or the anime naruto!! haha~ Den the lady saw us and went up to get brochures for us. Oh cos we waited for her and got her namecard. Gosh, the more we see the thing, the more cult thingy it looks.... scary. so quickly, we said gdbye and left hurriedly... whew~~ she even offered to bring us up to see see lor. We said no of cos lar.... aiyo....
so after these walks, we went to the shopping centre above cold storage to look ard. My first time up there. The others went shopping~ haha I accompanied them. Joc is such a big shopper as she has admitted herself. She bought a froggie t-shirt and some house slippers to use in studio. so zai! I must get my stuff to studio too!~
Later in evening, I went back to Clementi to buy some bread to eat as dinner... I went to sat in one of the pavilions. Wind blew from behind and the light of sunset shone across the ground. Very relaxing.... ahh~~ This was the first time in my life to truly sit down and appreciate the pavilion built by the government project.... Finally 6:30pm, I got up to take bus 198 to meet up with bro to see some shops. haha, which was closed when we got there.
Back at home... so tired~~
Ps: Ops! sorry! I didnt have proper meals today again!! ahh~~~ dun scold me!
Monday, January 17, 2005
I fell down...
hmm today is my proper first day of sch... At 10am, I went to USP class... was raining then. Today, we talked abt classical art with relation to Christianity and how it separated into 2 types, with one of them known as Catholic... ok...
After that was 2 hrs break. While to other aki students, they haf pro communication at 1pm. I no need to take, so I lingered ard in the fourth level. On my way to SDE.. I saw frens walking in threes and twos for lunch. smiled and waved and walked by... Sitting at the fourth level, the view in front of my was a grey building in the open space. Everything seemed solemnly peaceful. I wonder how long will it come again in this sem when things will get busy.
2pm approaching so I went in LT423 for this guest lecture on the passed away famous Architect Geoffrey Bawa. I was the first to get the seat. Slowly ppl streamed in.... After the talk, everyone became very active and me of cos, rushed to my dds room's entrance! hahaha kaisu? in fact everyone is! My studiomates oso rushed together with me. Finally I got the seat I wanted! Yea! And we started adding each other's msn.
Finally 6pm was over and I was aboout to leave NUS when I realised I left my umbrella in USP class! I ran to the USP Admin Blk but the doors were all closed... so sad. Den I hurried to Boon Lay to get my phone (hey, for ur info, my tutor for this sem is called Ong Boon Lay!) When I was walking out of the mrt station, my steps were unstable and thought to myself that I better not fall down. And suddenly, the next moment I found myself losing my footing and fell down flat!!! My instinct damn accurate at timings... My right knee got scratched very little as my pants took the cover for it. But my poor new pants got this patch scratched badly there. haha~~~~ sad... why am I so 'clumsy' for the past year or so? haiz...... I am losing confidence in walking liao...
ok, finally back home safe and sound~ haha, and began customising my hp again... haiz.....
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Sucky Sleepy Shagged Sunday
(PS: ed, haha, sorry lar, i drank milo and coffee to keep myself awake.... i juz want to grab at anything i can drink lar~~ haha. Hmm think I dont seem able to take care myself properly yea?...)
I woke up at 4 plus in the afternoon today, ... ok, so I skipped my breakfast and lunch. No food for today yet.... And still I needed to collect my phone at 4:30pm in Jurong Point. I went online at 4:45pm and realised that the shop would close at 5pm. OMG! Immediately I shut down everything and rushed out of my house. The lift's too slow so I ran down the steps.. The whole vision was blur, and the world's shaky b4 me. I ran until I reached the shophouses and had to stop. I almost ran out of breath and felt as though my lungs had collasped. Blame on my lack of exercises. By the time I reached Mrt, the world in front of me was very bright, as though spotlights were everywhere. Stars were moving ard too. Maybe I oso haven eaten any food...
By the time I reached Nokia care in Jurong Point, the door had closed. In between my grasp for air, i felt so disappointed and upset... All I could get is the cold touch of the glass door and a sorry sign from a guy inside. I felt so empty lor.... A very sour feeling....
No choice... so I went Jurong East and wandered aimlessly ard the area.... Finally took a bus home. On the lift, I oso accidentally pressed the wrong button... Haiz, reached home finally and watched Saiyuki, an anime. But den at 7pm, I had to stop watching as my family wanted to watch my Fair Princess... Haiz.... That means I had to start watching from the start again to get to the last episode in the disc... I still got the headache from all the rushing here and there.. and everything else dun go smoothly as I wish.... so sucky.... and I'm shagged.
Yesterday spent the morning in sch... the 'crit session'. The person representing my group was a yr1, so I spent my relaxing time in LT and listening to other groups. Other groups had very good ideas too~ haha~ very amusing. Afternoon we went to Fong Seng to eat roti prata. After that I went to Boon Lay to repair my handphone. Ailing accompanied me and we chat alot. I went Orchard after that to shop in metro, and Ailing accompanied me too~ I finally used up the $10 metro voucher that Sis gave me. hehe~ We met up with jo, yock and ah ba and ailing left. We walked ard and had dinner in Modesto's. The cheesecake's not bad but I think the Olio one still remained as the number One. We chat until pretty late before going back. I dropped on my sofa until 3am to bathe and all. yup...
No handphone.... tired oso... disappointed...hate to make another trip to Boon Lay.
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Submission's over!! Left a crit on saturday~~~
wah,.... I tell u ar, this first week of sch is like a very very tedious warm up for the main project this semester.... Many of us wanted to haf as much rest at the beginning of sch and reserve all the energy for the main project. Now they made us waste those energy off. So we are starting off the main project later without energy and zest that we could haf initially..... but anyway.... complain oso no use liao lar. After 3 days of stayover in sch, I am rather worn out... But at least I never doze off halfway during the late night. that is good.....
I heard that other groups have communication gaps between the yr 1s and yr 2s... For my group, we are damn good in terms of working together. I really think we shld be awarded the best group. The Yr1s in my grp damn cute and funny and they always crack jokes and laff. We made them laff and vice versa. That makes the stay so relaxing, happy, light-hearted and wonderful. No wonder the work doesnt seem as hard it seems to be as everyone does their part, and the mood is still happy happy and not stressed. Ok lar, so this project got pros and cons.
It may be due to the heaty stuff I ate last week or maybe the lack of sleep or both, that my throat went abit soar. I ended up drinking alot of things, especially yesterday night. After a can of Qoo, a packet of ice milo, den got water... coffee, etc.... Ahaha, submission was 7pm, but u know lar, ended up everyone late due to printing of panels etc. so the whole thing really ends at ard 8pm. We pinned up our plans and displayed our model in the exhibition hall. Tomolo morning will start the crit session for this design project.
After submission, I met up with my anime club comm members. By right, I supposed to join them for the meeting but they were ending it when I was about to come and join them. So I met them up for dinner at least in Clementi. I ate damn slow while the rest made me laff and laff non stop with their jokes.... Finally I finished up my ice milo (milo again!) and the rest were so happy that they all clapped!!! wat the.... even eating I oso got stress ar....
All right, I am on the verge of dozing off to sleep~ haha... that's it. My BEAUTIFUL first week of sch.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
First Day: Work work work... but a NICE start
Hmm... I woke up at 8:15am.... dilly dally abit but everything's in control. We were told to bring lotsa stuff like laptop, digicam, butter paper, sketchbook and other drawing materials...
I went to USP block for my first lesson of this year at 10am.
Like I said before, this is a ulu module... and seemed that those with art background or in the artistic field would take... so the class got 11 ppl in total. At first I dunno any of the people there and I sat alone... sad... while the rest all tokking at the other side of the seats.... more miserable. Suddenly a familiar face popped in! Shunjuan!!! She's another USP Archi student. We took alot of usp modules together before, but this time is really really coincidental and no planning beforehand. Yea! So happy! Den realised another USP Archi stud but he's Yr 1 was there too, so he came over and said hi to both of us. Ok, the first lesson was tokking alot abt
CULTURAL POLITICS and how Singapore wanna be a
Renaissance city, where cultural is needed for a
knowledge-based economy. Ok, so this lesson is geared towards art writing.... wah...
Later I went to meet up with my archi click for lunch in engine canteen. Haha, den few of the gals including me ended up eating sandwiches for lunch!!! muahaha~~ ops~ me bad gal. Anyway, the rest quickly proceed to lecture hall at 1pm for Professional Communication module, which I do not need to take!! The USP studs no need to take this as we did a Writing and Critical Thinking module in our USP course in Yr1. heehee~ But den since I got nothing to do, I clashed into this first lecture lor. Immdiately at 2pm, we went to another lecture hall, wah.... yr1 and 2 and some yr4 and post grads came together. So this is the plan called
"Vertical Studio": we will be separated into grps with the different years students mixed together and we'll
design the Student Lounge in SDE 3 Block Level 2. WOW~ We are talking abt the
REAL thing. They gave us only 1 week to come out with everything! And the winner grp will get $500! And the sch will build ur design! Omg..... die... stayover in sch for the first week liao.... Now we haf to complete some precedent studies of materials, detailings, furniture etc. And we haf to come out with
1:10 and 1:2 furniture models!! So BIG! OMG. Great.... Later we also had ice-breaking session. Each person had to go ard sch to take 4 photographs that say abt urself. Then ur partner haf to present ur photos to the rest of the grp to describe u, and vice versa. Ok lar.... crazy work all together but we really interacted well and had FUN! so.... everyone jiayou!
Monday, January 10, 2005
Hectic~
OOooOO Sunday juz passed.... had a hectic sunday. I woke up at 2pm... my family didnt call me up for lunch, so they ate first. I woke up due to this nightmare... I dreamt i got lousy grades or something...haiz... sch stressing me haha~
So actually I wanna pass Yock her cds at 2pm.... so I had to tell her this evening. Then afternoon was raining so I went to pack files on my laptop. Pack and pack until 7 plus... ops! so ard 8pm I went out to meet Yock at Redhill mrt... den sun bian go town to get stuff... haha~~~ think I crazy.... ok....
Now I juz finished trimming and cutting my nails.... Now ard 2-3 mm long nia... compared to 6-7 mm ones earlier. haha so u see, I dun wanna scare away my design tutor tomolo, or in fact later in the afternoon today (Monday).
Hmm feeling abit nervous, excited .... Hope this sem will be better and all goes well... ^_^
Ps: yes yes I try not to disappear totally!~
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Packing & Cleaning done! + Goodbye~~
yoyo!! Finally I did the last packing~~~ Today I cleaned up all the mess on my table, computer area and living room. For the computer area, I cannot clean every inch when wires are behind etc. So I said for that area is 90% clean. My standard of cleaning is... I cleaned every sides of each keys on the keyboard and every sockets. yep!
Almost or most of the things are in place le.... I still haf this huge stack of paper on my living room table.... but i really no place to keep them.... oso my 200 cd holder..... haha~ nvm, that one can wait for a while. Now my mood is soooo much lighter... I oso changed the layout of stuff on my study desk. new layout=new start~
Yesterday I finished the naruto episodes that ah ba gave me.... hmm the rest of episodes i think i can only watch in june hols!! so far away!! Today sis went Sim Lim and she said she bought me my 21st bdae present le! haha it's some electronic stuff~~
Now..... hmm... chatting and blogging... I suddenly realised I am troubles-free liao leh! I looked beyond them as though they haf never happened before! Amazing! Sugoi desune! I started my daydreaming and all the stuff I used to haf~ so nice!! Aww~~ I love myself~
Juz now watched My Fair Princess 3... The actors and actresses damn good sia, made me waste alot of tears with them... ahaha~ Anyway... feeling abit reluctant and sad... that I think I will disappear alot from online chats as sch term is starting.... But den there are hols like CNY so maybe things abit better? I dunno, but I am more determined to be more focus this time and so forth. yep~ I am really so happy to haf my frens accompanying me, comforting me, and everything for so many years... I have nothing more to ask for, so in order to show my gratitude to them, I shall be happy and back to my strong self and never to let them worry abt me so much! Yep~ in case I really disappear alot later, I better say an advanced goodbye now~~ But we see one another again when hols come! And oso my blog may still more or less active ba~~~ yep cya all!
Friday, January 07, 2005
Indoor Air Quality
ahaha today woke up at 12 noon.... skipped breakfast again. I have been missing breakfast for weeks!! After my lunch, I decided to go out do some errand-shopping. ok, more or less my shopping. I was really pia, grabbing alot of things.... maybe becos I knew and planned wat I wan to get already. First went to Giodano etc to get those normal plain t-shirts. yep, this time I go for short sleeve instead of sleeveless. Den I got myself a pair of slippers too... wat else... some hair stuff too. cool huh~ "原来 Clementi 也可以这么玩！" (quote from 张惠妹's Taiwan advertisement, edited by me~).
Once I got home, I started my packing part 2!! This time I packed my architecture stuff & materials... threw alot of things.... can feel that I wasted alot of money.... I oso crushed 2 of my mock models.... the feeling was somewat sad and piercing into my heart but oso got this excited shiok feeling. haha maybe cos I didnt crushed any of my mock models or models before.
Ok, now I looked at my living and study rooms again.... erm, almost nothing change.... ok lar, abit nia. I still haf 45-50% to pack!! Gosh..... who ask me to pack these archi stuff after 1 and half years!? I deserve it rite.... yes yes..... shucks... still got my desk and computer desk.... oh manz!
I think I am a person who is very much affected by working environment. I always like to pamper myself with nice working area. I believed I told many of u that I love to haf those office desk and chair of my own and I can paste stuff on the boards etc. Ya.... last sem my studio area dun haf good environment... also, my house in big mess with all the barang barang and junk... so the
INDOOR AIR QUALITY in my house damn bad. From what we learnt in BU lectures, Indoor Air Quality (IAQ) can affect one's working performance and mood. AHA! No wonder ar, no wonder last sem my mood so bad, work performance oso bad. Must be the IAQ's fault. I shall put all blame on it Muahaha!!
Thursday, January 06, 2005
I didnt eat for 1 day!?
(ps: ed, I've seen ur comments for the previous entry)
Last night I was chatting with 2 anime club frens until 6 plus this morning.... wah u muz be thinking I'm mad rite? No lor, I left last few days to chat to my fill. So must treasure such moments. hehee... So i slept while my other family members went to NUH to accompany mum for the dunno-number-wat-times checkup. I woke up at ard 2 plus due to a phone call from my grandma and found out no one else in the house. Ok so I didnt haf breakfast and I lazy to eat lunch. So I grabbed a few slices of rolled cakes to eat. Immediately, I started my 'spring-cleaning', packing my notes and files first. Meanwhile my family came back. They had gone to chinatown to buy a type of fish (生鱼 correct words?) for mum to help heal her wounds faster. I was packing and packing... it seemed so endless. At ard 5pm, I started to feel like fainting.... no energy... hmm maybe becos I hadnt eaten anything much besides those small cakes. So I quickly grabbed another and continued to pack. Ard 6 plus, dad bought fried rice for us. Hmm... I just eat super fast.... it tasted super nice.... ok, got energy to pack stuff again. Finally ard 10:30pm, I got my notes and files in place. whew~ I threw more secondary sch stuff away, but kept the textbooks and TYS books. Think I already heck care. browse and throw~
Hmm, the living room and my studyroom is still messy, as though nothing has changed.... urgh, tml continue packing stuff!!
Remember last night I didnt haf dinner at airport? Yar so add all the skipped meals I haf, it added up to a day of meals~~ muahaha~ think I really crazy... never eat for a day.... oh yes last night I also finished the charity stuff I promised to do since last hols~ so I feel super happier than the previous days~~ as though boulders are lifted off my shoulders. at least for the moment~~
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
My SON is off to UK again~
haha yep, today ed leaving for UK again.... this time for a longer period of time, 6 mths. Today I woke up earlier than I was for the past few days cos I need to bid for my USP modules. So mum put in effort to wake me up this time too!
I was indecisive wat to take.... finally decided on a funny-sounding module which takes very little points. I suspect 1 pt will be enuff hahaha~~ I was online all the while during the bidding and doing my work at the same time. Ed and Jo was online too... chat with them for a while before they went off. It was around 4:30pm when I was about to prepare stuff to go out that I felt this funny churning of my stomach. Ok... bad stomach... think I ate something wrong this morning or last night - log cake (last piece). hmm~~~ finally set off to changi airport via mrt. I met up ah ba and bro first.... they so petty and complained that they missed the smooth direct transition due to waiting for me....
In terminal 1, we ate and drank stuff at Mr.Bean and Subway. heehee I didnt haf anything for dinner except pearly soya milk drink... muahaha~ Ed came shortly and the teasing began and continued to the departure area. Venki came at this point of time. Chat for a while... His dad so cute and funny, saying some stuff that ed may not haf said before~ so he was 'huh?' all the way. However dunno y but the teasing all directed at me again... wat the..... how can they bully this mum and her son on the same day~~! haaha. ok, ard 8:15pm, ed had to go. This time we didnt keep waving frantically at him... but his dad raised his two arms up and made the victory sign in each hand. So cute~~ den his mum oso very sweet. Rubbed his face and hugged him. Reminded me of last time when I left for the states. But my duration overseas damn short lar, nothing to compare to this. Aww all this scenes were still touching no matter how many times I see them.
After ed left, we went back to terminal 2... me and Jo bought some sweets and choc at a candy shop, and met up the rest nearby at Burger King. Venki ar.... bullied me!!! He became too smart and lame like the other guys liao... shucks.... there goes my chance to bully him to my satisfaction. Ard 9:30pm, we left the mrt station, we had gals talk and guys talk separated. Jo left early at City Hall, so the guys slowly tried to jio me into their conversations which were all lame jokes..... haha~ ok lar, my stomach felt weird again. By the time I reached home, i'm fine liao~ and enjoyed the sweets I bought with my sis. hehee~ ops time to bathe and then do work! muz finish today!
Piercing Pain
原来情可带来这么多痛苦，有时很想说，但不能说。这种滋味难以形容，不如死了算了。心死。
It is so near, yet so far. Nothing more i can say.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
I have decided
昨晚的情绪依然很糟，依然地低沉。。。 凌晨三点，终于带着失望，不知所挫的心情去睡。翻来覆去，睡不成。思索仍不断，窗外不见明月，只见天空一片红，泪珠不知何时流，只知两道泪痕留。可恨自己心已变柔，所以受到伤害。微一微笑，想必这就是所谓的报应。既然如此，我决定了；决定忘却这一切，忘记自己的这份思索；忘记曾经想过，换句话说，就是把心里的一块琐起来。这么一来我对生活可能会少了些阻碍。本以想决定等待或不等，但答案太难了。所以我的决定是第三条：放下与忘却。
It was about 1pm when I woke up.... ops.... so I had late lunch. I planned to go out to walk and shop for some stuff in the afternoon, maybe I'd feel better after that. Jo smsed me that she could walk walk with me~ This gave me some zest to going out~ I reached Orchard around 3:30pm. I looked ard in Orhard link for a while before meeting up with Jo at Taka. Heehee Jo treated me with gelato Ice-cream!! ^_^ We ate and walked to far east and back to paragon, den finally back to Orchard link. All the while we were sharing some heartfelt tots and feelings. Finally at the Orchard link when we are about to reach mrt station, we went to look into U2. I was intended to get a jacket and berm. We saw a few jackets, and limited to 2 choices. Jo was so patient while I was hesitating over which to buy.... I really took very long to decide.... Finally at the counter, the lady said there are other sizes!! So happy!!!!!!!! Yea, so I got the grey one M size! happy~~~~ Actually I oso love the black one too.... (ops, jo gonna kill me if she see this). haha~~~ yaryar 女人真麻烦!! (famous quote from alot of ppl rite?) We headed home via mrt and continued to chat~
On the way back, I find myself smiling.... after all this, I managed to see sunlight, though with some reluctance, some pity, some sourness, at least I have decided how I shall leave through with it; cope with it, and go forth my life and goal with more determination. I will overcome adversities I faced. That's my decision, as well as another resolution for this year.
Monday, January 03, 2005
A Year continuing with old Troubles-Troubled
2005 has come... yet I do not feel that total rejuvenation on myself, neither refreshed nor genki. However, I did set down my mind on work-related stuff.... determined and motivated in some ways. However, time to time I still feel the troubles I had lingering with me still. They are not going away. Indeed, hiding them for a year or more isn't going to help further.
From the past, I always tot myself as a strong person, able to self-motivate and brush away or solve troubles by my own. Also I used work to make me feel happy cos doing work such as drawing comics etc are my happy times. So not only it made me feel happy at that time, it also helped me forget abt the problems and brushed it away. It always worked. As years passed by and finally reached last semester, too many troubles gripped upon me. Is it because this is the adulthood I'm reaching, or is it just my luck tt I getting into all these stuff? why why why? Many times I questioned, many times I pondered, answers are never found.
Is it because I have changed? Is it because I realised that I am a not as strong as I tot to be? or is it tt this is the true colours of my nature? Or is it...... But after all this, I am clearer of the fact tt I am living in the world of
two beings... me and myself. One of me is groomed by the society where I lived through the times of living hell. It made me dark, cold, yet strong. That me is independent, calm, alert and strong, nevertheless cold, anti-social, self-centred and protective of ownself and competitive.... After an incident that crumples my strong self and meeting nice souls who slowly open up my self more, I developed another me or in true fact, awakened the me that was locked up after the dark appeared since then. This me was kind and caring... She always put others before her, trying to help whoever she likes and loves, however she's vulnerable and get herself wounded too much in the process of protecting people.
Indeed, becos of my extremes of the two personalities, I am able to be a person of
extremes... I can take good points of both and therefore, a better person. I am really happy. I am able to see many things and helped me in my work.
However, something juz triggered me or maybe I am exhausted. I no longer haf the energy to maintain in that neutral stand between the two beings. Can u understand the
struggle between the 2 contradicting beings for years? It's a painful battle... takes up lots of energy and it's very tiring. The pain for years are always covered up by my determination to strive. It's juz that now both have developed their own minds or something that they beginning to grab me at the sides and tearing me apart... One day, I might fall prey to my own 2 selves. I'ld be torn into pieces, blood gushed away, eaten up and lost into abyss of nothing. Now am I the third me? If so, I shall prevent this tragedy. I will strive to be the master of my 2 selves again and put them to be my left and right hand men, so they can assist me. I can't let them turn into uncontrollable monsters. To capture them and make them listen means I must be stronger and improve my skills. (hmm this whole drama scenes sound like anime......) But things are working like this in real life, that's y people can think of such things to draw out.
So it is... I am determined to be a
MASTER of my 2 selves.... this is one of my resolution this year. What worries me is that I have other problems besides self problems. There are feelings problems and family problems.... I think maybe in the end I wont die from my 2 selves, but die from all these troubles. Unless I call upon the dark self and become cold and strong, and so I wont be bothered by them. However, the other me is not being able to bear this. Ok.... so I am troubling again.... of the old troubles. A year with old troubles... a nice start....
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Crazy New Year Eve + 'Concusstion'
hhaha sorry for not blogging these days cos I was too tired to blog.... I juz had my late lunch after 14 hours of sleep....
On the 31st of Dec, I was online and doing my anime club stuff.... so sian.... mood abit down oso.... though it was eve, I didnt feel that kind of happiness I used to haf on the past new year eves... den my JC frens were discussing of going out at night to play pool or mahjong, or countdown etc etc. Den I was the only one giving those stuff a miss. They discussed til 7 plus and pursuaded me until then.... finally I gave in. haha~ so spontaneous rite! It was so late at night already!!! Quickly I went to bathe and pack my laptop... yup I was bringing work to Jo's house. We were going there to play
mahjong mah~~
Ah ba volunteered to meet me up at my void deck before going there together~ ah~~ finally he was doing what a
FATHER should..... protect and ensure safety of his daughter~~.... haiz~~ *shakes head* But still, it's a good start. After I bathed, it was 9:30pm. I waited for ah ba's sms and he had miscalculated his time. Finally around 10:10 pm he arrived. I went downstairs and saw ah ba playing with a grey and white cat. On the contrary, her kitten was the one very wary of us and ah ba failed to play with it. We juz crossed the overhead bridge when I realised I forgot to bring my keys. so we went back again. I went up my flat while ahba bought snacks from 7-eleven. By the time we reached CCK mrt, everyone was there and it was 10:55pm.... ok, finally all of us set off to Jo's house.
We played mj while ed was doing his work. He only finished one of his 14 assignments before joining in to play. Later was my turn to do my work. Yock left at 2 am, so I joined in after that. We decided to play one full round (finish the 4 winds) beginning with me as the banker. We were quite fast already... and haha, I used my
Ping Hu skills to the max cos I didnt haf my flower tile most of the times. So that was my method to win... We forgot abt the time, so we might as well
play overnight.... oh my goodness... crazy! I didnt know wat time we finished the first full round. Finally we decided to play a
second full round but with the intention of not letting the banker win. Ah haha, we were damn tired, at least I am the one grumbling most. Yet we went at
SUPER high speed!! Wah!!! Think we were too tired and wanted to end them fast!! hahaha~~
I also didnt notice wat time we finished the second round.... Den we packed up the table and Jo's dad gave us some snacks! I ate a few egg rolls and some honey rice cube thingy before i dozed off while hugging Garfield. I dunno how long I slept but when I woke up, it was about 12 noon. We kept the table and went to the living room. Oh man!!! Her
2 dogs were awake!!! Help! They chased me to the sofa!! I sat at the sofa with 2 dogs sniffing and barking at me, so my frens came to my rescue. Later the
male dog Johnny was attracted to Ed... hmm.... has the old dog turned gay, so has his vision went bad..... that he couldn't sense that Ed is a guy? or maybe Ed has the woman's yin energy... (ops does that mean Ed is woman? haha) anyway, the
female dog Apple liked my Ah ba, and he carried Apple like a baby!!!!! Wah!!! Ah ba is preparing to be a
REAL FATHER!!! woo hooo~~ We chat there and
Jo was busy taking photos. Ed kept saying I was like his mum, so
OK! Ed shall be my SON in the Sixoneder's family tree!! Yea, finally i got a son to extend my branch~~ heehee~ Later ed was stroking Johnny until he fell asleep, head back on the sofa. His posture and facial expression was funny so
Jo took pictures and pictures of him!! haha Later we set off to Lot1 for lunch at Long John Silver's. She kept
blackmailing Ed that he muz admit he's
heartbroken for *erhem* otherwise she'ld post these photos in the class and personal blogs. Then as ed's mother, I had to protect Ed but I'm always on Jo's side as her aunt. So I'm in a
dilemma to who I should help.... In the end we push everything to my bro, Sel. so Jo and me said we shall listen to Sel!!!! and u know wat, sel has always been on our (or Jo's ) side so heehee, my son poor thing ar...
We chatted for a while before we headed home. I went back and quickly bathe. haha, I cant wait to get rid of the doggy smell~~~ haha.... fresh and clean, I went online, hoping to continue my work.... but too tired. Wanted to blog, but oso too tired, so I watched naruto instead. Soon, I had dinner... den when my family was watching the My Fair Princess 3, I fell alseep on my mum's bed.... Suddenly I woke up in a jerk, sheesh~~ and realised my laptop was off. So qiuckly I switched it on again and watched naruto haha..... It was 11pm that I finally decided to sleep.
I woke up today and it was 2 plus in the afternoon, so I ate my lunch and tada! Blogging and chatting online now... Haiz.... rainning still...... so cold and makes me difficult to do work... ok, think very soon, jo will post the pics liao...hahaha~
